Keyboard On Fire

UK Iranian Sailor Crissis

2007-04-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

The world breathed a sigh of relief as the captured UK sailors returned home from Iran where they had been locked up after being captured in what Uk calls, Iraqi waters and what Iran calls, “STOP TOUCHING ME!”
Iran says the sailors were trespassing over a mile into Iranian waters. The Iranians were upset about this and said quote, “Ahlem ishkum inst der vossser!” Which translated to English reads something like, “You scoundrels are in our water!” To which the sailors replied as one would expect sailors from the land of Winston Churchill to reply, quote, “Are not!”
What happened next is what one can expect after reading a little world history, or taking a road trip with two, four year old kids.
Not that the Iranians or the British behaved any where as mature as a four year old kid.

British: “Give me back my sailors!”
Iranians: “Say you’re sorry.”
British: “I had them first!”
Iranians: “Say you’re sorry.”
British: “MOM” “Iran won’t give me back my sailors!”

n N NN NNNEEEDD Cafffeine...

2006-09-02T08:51:00.001-07:00

Writing a blog is not so much about the ideas, or the bringing together of words, or the length of the Fescue in your yard, as it is about the caffeine.

Everybody has a little blogger inside of them.

There is this long hallway inside everybody’s head where the day to day systems operations of your body are directed. There are little offices all along this hallway with little officials going here and going there, running your bodily functions so you don’t have to think about it all the time.

These little officials are in a time warp; that means that when you think to yourself, “I am hungry,” until you have ate might only be five minutes in earth time; but in Excitable Little Official Time, or ELOT as advanced scientists such as myself might say, it is three weeks.

Getting a drink of water for yourself involves getting a glass, drinking it and wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

For ELFs, which is short for Excitable Little Feople, getting and drinking a glass of water goes like this. The elf in charge of body hydration receives a call from units on the ground requesting a shipment of H2o. The body hydration elf faxes an official request for H2o to the elf in charge of Getting The Body Up And Moving To The Water or GTBUAMTTW.

He also has to request permission from a higher up elf that then has to send out notices to the elf in charge of watching for foreign objects in the water and other gross stuff and a bunch of other elf officials whose exact job I have yet to imagine.

Then there are the elfs sitting in there offices watching monitors to direct the hand taking the water to the mouth.

If the hand accidentally spills water on the front of the shirt, an elf on the ground jumps into his jeep and races over to the nerve ending. He punches the size of the water spill, the temperature of the water into the nerve and emails it to the Emergency Management elf who then in turn directs the hand to wipe the shirt front with a towel.

Now if it was hot coffee that the hand spilled on the shirt; then he would email the elf in charge of the vocal cords who would then in turn order the voice factory to issue a couple of short yelps or whatever the protocol is. He would also have the other elf’s in charge of Emergency Management, check for things such as the probability of a stain and a possible solution, did any body see the body react and if so, have the elf in charge of the reputation have the body pretend nothing happened.

In a little cubby hole toward the back is an elf in charge of SRTCO, which stands for Systems Reactions To Caffeine Overdose. He has a computer that he uses to issue commands. The computer has a keyboard with one button. The button is BLOG.

Whenever he learns that the body consumed more than one cup of coffee; he feverishly bangs his one button.

I have a few problems, fortunetly there is a solution.

2006-09-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

The little nipple caps on the tires of my car are missing. There is a bubble in the paint on top of the wind spoiler. The driver’s side mirror is broken. The oil needs to be changed; the wind shield wipers need to be replaced.

I need to go pack my stuff to get ready to move.

The grass grows like a Peking duck on firecrackers.

Somebody went all WWE on my mailbox.

I lie here in bed at 6:33 and try to get myself motivated to rise and take a shower.

My head is swimming with the dream I was dreaming when I woke up; something about me and somebody else going house to house reclaiming something. And then all these people showed up and started shouting at me… I know, it makes my head hurt.

I will write a blog. I can lay here and just move my fingers.

Waiter Evaluator And Tip Generator Calculator

2006-08-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight me and “a woman” quote unquote went to Shoneys and each killed a Bear burger. Not to be confused with the Grizzly burger.
It was the juiciest hamburger I have ever destroyed, hands down.
Shoneys has a Cub burger for the kids and then the Bear burger, followed by the Grizzly burger, being tailgated mindlessly by the Extra Large Grizzly burger.
It was all I could do to take a bite out of my humble Bear burger. The Extra Ridiculously Large Grizzly burger is extremely tall. Only a cripple with a removable lower jaw would be able to take a bite out of the thing.
I had a baked potato with mine and the “woman” quote unquote, that went with me, had onion rings with hers. We both drowned the bears with water with a slice of lemon, only I poured away a cup of coffee too.
We sat and discussed the couple and their three children one table over. They were from Maryland.
Our bill was $13.44; I gave the waiter a one dollar tip.
Normally I tip five dollars but using my personal Waiter Evaluator And Tip Generator Calculator it only came to one dollar.

Here is a brief breakdown of how my personal WEATGC works.

1. I start with five dollars. If the waiter is extremely courteous and cracks a tasteful joke, I start with ten dollars. If the waiter asks me too many questions, i.e. “you want steak sauce” it loses a dollar. If the waiter is a dude, I only tip one dollar regardless of service. (Dudes should not be waiters; there is always the off chance that the waiter might touch my food on the way to my table. I don‘t want dudes touching my food) If it (the waiter) keeps my drink refilled, it gains one dollar per refill, if I get thirsty it loses one dollar per minute that I have to wait. If it is pregnant with a haggard look and bags under its eyes I crank it up to twenty dollars irregardless of level of service.

Here is why dudes should not be waiters.
Five men and five women are sitting in a cave, on the side of a hill, drawing prehistoric drawings on the wall. A dinosaur wanders into the valley below their cave. Four men get up, pick up their clubs and go out to kill it. One man says nah, he’s cool, he’d rather stay and then help the five women cut it up and serve it.
Who of us would not be happy to see the three guys holding the dude’s foot on top of a flat rock and smash his largest toe with a hickory billy club? That is like a negative tip.
Back then they did not give tips. So a waiter with poor service was likely given a negative tip.
That’s why I always carry a hammer with me when I go out to eat. I like to give the waiter some options. “Excuse me Sir, would you rather have a one dollar tip or have me smash your big toe with this hammer?”

Black Bird's Have No Respect For Little Round Objects!!

2006-02-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

This morning there was a strange scene outside our bathroom window. The bathroom window is cracked open, there are two black birds walking around in the yard. Suddenly I hear this sound like a leopard falling from the sky and landing on a broom stick, breaking it. Then this little round object heads on a direct route over to one of the birds. It didn’t sidle over as in, “Can you give me a light?” or “Can you tell me how to get to Maple street?”
No.
It went directly from the bathroom window to the bird. As in, “Oh there you are, I have been looking all over for you!” or, “Hey, you owe me money!”
The bird (it was a black bird) ignored the object. As in, “Who are you? You‘ll have to wait in line.”
The little round object just barged on completely unfazed by the bird’s unwelcoming attitude. It didn’t say anything.
The bird started to show some alarm. It said, “Hey, You there, you have to stay behind the velvet rope!”
The object answered by charging into the bird and passing through it’s midsection, exiting out the other side. It fled away into the soft dirt behind the wounded bird, disappearing into the maze of dirt.
The black bird laid down in the grass and held real quiet for a while, apparently not feeling so good. Eventually it pressed the Eject button and it’s spirit whooshed away into the sky.
I closed the window and put my gun away.

Book Report on Rise To Victory by R. Cameron Cooke

2006-02-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

1:59 pm sat. Feb. 25 2006
I just finished reading the book, Rise To Victory.
It is a pretty good book with slightly laborious dialog.
I would recommend it though,
I would give it about three and a half stars out of five.

The author, Cameron Cooke shows little compunction for killing and maiming. The characters seem slightly cartoonish. Handsome, heroic one second, moments later they mumble around and get killed.
He (the author) never dwells long enough on one character for the reader to become comfortable about the character‘s safety. Slitting Mr. Yi’s throat and staying with him all the way into death, leaving the reader with a horrified sense of impending doom for the safety of the submarine crew.
I would gladly give the book four stars out of five if he had not killed Lt. Michaelson on that beach in Indonesia.

It goes like this;
Lt. Michaelson and Mr. Lake (Mr. Lake is the hero) were trapped on the beach.
Sixteen terrorists come out of the jungle.
Lt. Michaelson shoots them all.
One is wounded but still alive.
Lt. Michaelson runs out and shoots him and runs out of bullets.
A helicopter comes and mows him down.
This all occurs after Mr. Lake and Teresa carried him over the mountain pass with a broken leg. Apparently his leg is miraculously healed.
There are other occurrences that tend not to make sense throughout the story.
Overall it has a solid storyline and is definitely worth reading if only for the in sight into submarines and the lives of the sailors who marine them.
The author himself is a Lieutenant Commander in the Naval Reserves and he wears the gold dolphin insignia of a fully qualified submarine officer.
The book contains a lot of technical information about submarines that tended to put me to sleep at times but over all it was a good read.
Beware that this author possesses a pen, bloody and apt to random acts of violence and mass killings and stabbings.
There a large number of explosions in the middle of crowds of soldiers, with the resulting body parts and craters.
Anyone is welcome to borrow the book from me.

Chevy Needs To Redisign The HHR (refrigerator box). Due To Issues With It's Rear Door.

2006-02-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am pleased to announce that we made it home from Georgia without careening through a guard rail, because of all the black ice and dying in a fiery crash.
The roads became icy only between home and Nashville.
The red refrigerator box was surprisingly stable on the road. I became quite attached to it. It handles itself in tight places just super well.
It has one unhandy feature though.
It is four door.
When it is cold and dark and you go to get in the driver seat. Don’t go in the second door to the back seat; don’t sit in there on the back seat and wonder where the steering wheel went.
It is inefficient and you will feel a little foolish.
Ah well, it was dark.
Maybe I needed to check something in the back seat without realizing it.
All vehicles have their negatives

My feet are cold and I’m thirsty.
I did not win the sweepstakes today.
That’s another heartbreaker.
Maybe tomorrow!!

New Sale On Ebay...

2006-02-19T13:36:00.000-08:00

Check out my sale on ebay.
If it doesn't sell, I will be heartbroken.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8768967325

Are You Thirsty???

2006-02-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

oh, there it is.

More Pictures From Atlanta.

2006-02-19T12:07:00.000-08:00

Here is the famous golden dome of Atlanta. It is pretty neat at night. There is a figure of a woman holding a light on top.

Welcome to the Bull Pen.
Bad Food& Boring Times
shrub

They Are Killing The Fire Now.

2006-02-19T12:05:00.000-08:00

White Smoke!!!

Some More Fire Pictures.

2006-02-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

We Are Having A Fire Here In Atlanta!!!

2006-02-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

As I was sitting here pondering my next move I heard a siren. Building across the interstate is on fire so I took some pictures and here they are.
The fire is still smoking and already there are pictures of it on the internet.
How cool is that?!?

Here Is An Update On The Story About The Rock On Ebay!

2006-02-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

The rock sold for $33.00 but the reserve price wasn't met.

Hah hah.

Dude found the rock in his driveway.
He had a reserve for more than thirty three dollars on it.

He is still holding it upside down!!!
This is just super funny.
Hah hah hah!

My Hands Smell Like Mustard...

2006-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

12:58 Sunday.
I just came back from the Bull Pen next door where I ate a Philly cheese steak and some famous corn slaw salad while watching drag racing on the big screen.
I suspect the famous corn slaw salad won the lottery. How else could it have become famous. Certainly not from either it’s looks or it’s taste.
I drove myself over to the place.
It’s about thirty feet from the motel parking lot to the bullpen parking lot.
But I don’t like to walk.
So I climbed in the red refrigerator box and drove.

I ate one half of my Philly steak sandwich and then I put some mustard on the other half and ate it too.
I washed it all down with a bottle of Tropicana.
I think I got a little mustard in my mustache.

Some of the simple things in life are starting to be funny.
Such as pressing all the buttons on the elevator and making it go to all the floors after I get off.
I must be bored.
Time to sleep a little while.

Here Are A Few Pictures From Our Trip To Atlanta Georgia...

2006-02-19T10:54:00.000-08:00

Check this out...

2006-02-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.mcc.org/themes/04%2D01%2Dgangs/

pretty amazing.

oh well.

I think I'll go down and have a bowl of cereal.

no wait. it's 10:49 already.
too late.

Don't Try To Google Wal-Mart... Don't Drive On Thornton Street.

2006-02-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

It is 8:52 Sunday morning and I have nothing to do except sit in my motel room and kill time. Yesterday I came up with the bright idea of going to Wal-Mart and buying me a new game to kill some boredom.
I googled Wal-Mart.
There are two within a few miles.
I get in my refrigerator box and start driving.
No Wal-Mart. So I turn around and drive through it again.
Nothing.
The Wal-Mart address was Thornton street, so I obediently turned on to Thornton street.
Big Mistake.
I went through this little gully, up the other side. There were shacks side by side on both sides of the road. Nobody had mowed their yard since 1956. There were people sitting if front of their houses on five gallon buckets popping their knuckles. Kids were everywhere, bouncing basketballs, going here, going there, learning to be little gangsters.

I am not racist. So I will not bring racism into this blog.
The people were not white.
They also were not Chinese.

I drove up their little street and everybody stopped their killing and robbing and stared at me in my little red refrigerator box.
I felt like the last rotisserie chicken on sale at Wal-Mart.
There was a four way stop right in the middle of the shacks. It was so small I nearly backed over a stop sign as I was turning around.
There was a crowd of youths with a basketball walking along the sidewalk, they stared at me. I slammed it into drive and gunned it.
What if I ran over them? Should I stop?
I fled back down the hill through the gully and back out onto the main road.
A dark green suburban pulled out behind me and started following me.
I gassed it and pulled out ahead away from it. Seeing that I had escaped, it turned down a little side road and disappeared.

So I came back to the motel to google another Wal-Mart.
The next one showed to be on the map in the other direction.
I followed the map to the center of Atlanta, to a little one way street with steam coming out of the gutters, dumpsters almost blocking my path, and dirty, homeless in bandannas and old business suits laying along the sidewalk in despair.
So much for google.
Back to the motel to use the internet.
This time I went to www.walmart.com and found there is no Wal-Mart in Atlanta.
There is one in Morrow, about fifteen minutes away.
I went to Morrow without incident.
Driving through Morrow I realized I had a problem so I called Rosanna at the seminar.
No answer.
Three minutes later she called back.

“Hi honey did you try to call.”
“Yes.”
“What do you want.”
“I am going to Wal-Mart,”
“I see.”
“Why am I going to Wal-Mart?”
“Why are you?”
“I forgot why I need to go to Wal-Mart.”
Then I remembered so I said goodbye and hung up.

Walking in the door at Wal-Mart I picked up a box of doughnuts.
Wal-Mart was packed, a man could hardly walk around.
I could probably count on both hands all the white people that I saw in the whole place.
It worried me a little bit.
What if they started thinking about the civil war and all the bad things that white people have done to them?
What if they just can’t take it anymore and I’m the only white person available?

Back at the game rack I put the doughnuts beside Call of Duty and left them there.
Then I picked up Cold War and a mouse and mouse pad for the laptop, walked back up to the registers, decided to get a box of doughnuts after all, paid for all four and walked back out to my refrigerator box and locked the door.
I ate a couple of doughnuts on the way home.
Back at the motel I installed my new game and found that the laptop couldn’t run it and my new mouse’s right hand clicker stayed clicked most of the time. When you press it, it doesn’t click because it is already clicked.
I had a few more doughnuts.
After them I didn’t feel so good.

Now today I am making wise choices:
Grits and oatmeal with cranberry cocktail, cappuccino, a cup of yogurt, and a pastry for breakfast from the free bar downstairs.
Write a blog today.
Read from the Gideon’s Bible in the stand.
Sip my coffee.
Sleep.
Check my sisters’ blogs.

Positive things….
wait I still have three doughnuts left.

Here is a picture of the sled we had to take to Georgia :(

2006-02-17T21:08:00.000-08:00

Enterprise did not have the Taurus available so we got to drive the grandpa mobile.

He Is Holding The Rock Upside Down???

2006-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

Here is a posting on Ebay that you need to check out.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Rock-of-Mary-holding-Jesus-after-Immaculate-Conception_W0QQitemZ5665253561QQcategoryZ16710QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

I asked him why he holds the rock upside down! :)

Why do you hold it upside down in the pictures?

Feb-17-06

Sorry but you may be seeing it some other way. I am not holding it upside down in any of the pictures.

oh!?!

New Laws That May OR May Not Affect You Even If You Are A Thief.

2006-01-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

It is now legal in Italy to shoot thieves.
Suppose you are sitting at home alone in the basement watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith on your laptop. A thief kicks in the front door and proceeds to load your microwave, your hunting rifles, your dog that has a policy against biting intruders and your antique sword collection into the back of a nineteen eighty seven Chevy pickup.
It is now your legal right in Italy to go out to his pickup and get your large elk hunting rifle and proceed to put the thief on a collision course with a one hundred and twenty grain.
This new law opens quite a Pandora's Box of questions for the average homeowner in Italy.
Here is a letter that I as a faithful non Italian, non homeowner from America have written, I am extremely concerned about the limitations for this new law. So in response to the media bringing this to my attention I will now write a letter for the average Italian homeowner.

Dear Lawmaker;
I am a homeowner here in Italy. I can't wait to shoot somebody.
Sincerely,
Italian Homeowner

No!
That's not detailed enough.

Here is a much better version of the letter.

Dear Lawmaker;
I am a homeowner owner from Italy. When can I shoot somebody?
Sincerely,
Italian Homeowner

PS. 1. Can I shoot him with a bow and arrow?
2. Can I club him to death with a cheap garage sale lamp?
3. Can I shoot him after he has brought my stuff back?
4. Can I sic my dog on him?
5. Can I wait to shoot him until forty years later?
6. What if he is the Postal Delivery man and I loan him my pen and he forgets to give it back? Would it be appropriate to go get my muzzleloader at that point and put him in the ground?
7. What if I don't own a gun, can I have the thief play my Xbox until I get back from the gun store?
In New York it is now illegal to keep a gold fish in a bowl.
You have to keep the little senator in an aquarium.
No word on whether it is ok to let the water turn into seaweed?

You also have to walk your dog everyday.

Cop “Excuse me sir, did you walk your dog today?”
Eighty year old codger:” Yes officer”
Dog: “Woof.”
Cop: “Down on the ground, both hands where I can see them!”

The Great Warp Hole of the Filing Cabinet.

2006-01-23T19:12:00.000-08:00

The wife cleared all the stuff off of my computer desk.
My papers are eerily missing.
I hope I don’t have to search for anything important any time soon.
She put all my important stuff in the file cabinet.
There are few things in life as hard as finding an important paper in a file cabinet, not that it can’t be done.
Some things are just inherently hard.
Moving furniture from room to room is hard.
Putting food in the microwave is hard.
Baiting a hook is easy.
Taking out the trash is hard to almost impossible.
Getting up to go change the volume or the channel on the TV is not hard. It’s just wrong.

Here is a sample to do list.
It is listed in order of easiest too hardest.

1. Fix flat lawn mower tire.
2. Check battery in car.
3. Wash car.
4. Put feed in bird feeder.
5. Build new bluebird house for the sparrows.
6. Clean out the gutters.
7. Learn a new language.
8. Get a master’s degree in liberal arts.
9. Find important paper in the file cabinet.

A file cabinet will hold a vast amount of important stuff that you want to save but that you never use.
It is the black warp hole in every house, sucking up lists and receipts and keys and TV remotes and gerbils and socks and kids. Etc.
I am convinced that in some distant galaxy, on edge of the universe, little green homeless guys are pawing through all the crap that we filed away in the file cabinet.

Green Pigs. Dr. Suess? No. Science!

2006-01-14T14:24:00.001-08:00

According to the NzHerald.co.Nz quote, “Taiwan has successfully bred fluorescent green pigs.

Fluorescent green pigs.
You know you want them.
Taiwan has them.
Who of us hasn’t chased a slice of bacon around the plate and wished it was fluorescent green.

Why did they breed green pigs?
Quote: “Researchers hope they will boost the island's stem cell research.”

Green pigs!
This of course brings up a thousand questions such as,
Can they make neon orange deer with headlights and a target on their sides?
Can they make purple cows?
Can they make somber sheep?
Can they make a dog that goes to the bathroom IN THE FREEKING BATHROOM?
I envision a bright future for your regular household tabby. No pun intended.
“Where did you get your beautiful lavender cat, Carol?”

What about fish?
Can they make bass, as large as an oil drum and hungry enough to bite on a plastic worm.
How about making them a rainbow color.
Rainbow bass.
Trout.
What about the trout?
It’s their turn to be gray for a change.
No wait, lets make them sky blue.

What about me?
Cancel that.
We’re not going there.

No word from Taiwan on whether these neon green pigs will be glow in the dark.

“Hey George, Can you shine your pig over here for a minute?”

Imagine a world where the coon hunters, the coons, and the mutts chasing the coons are all soft glowing neon red.

What about thieves?
We could make anybody caught shoplifting a bright pink.
Sensors in the store would pick up the color and trigger an alarm any time they came close.

I could go on and on but I won’t.

I think I want to be a sky blue color…no. how about a dark green… no, why not a soft peach……..

I Am Pleased To Anounce That I Have Survived The Latest Terrorist Attack!

2006-01-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday I was attacked by thirty pounds of angry venison.
I was going to work in my new Thunderbird, driving along about fifty miles an hour, trying to get the volume to the exact half decibel. I look up and see this smallish deer coming at approximately one hundred miles per hour down the road toward my right side parking light. He hit it dead center, Kapow and flew out into the wheat field about as far as from here to the kitchen sink.
After a thorough analysis of the deer, (I looked at him from the road.) and replaying the whole scene in my head many times. Here is what I am convinced is going on.
This was no random deer; Random deer do not come down the road toward you on your side of the road. Unless of course they happen to be Rudolf.
Rudolf would have had his nose turned on.
Or if it happens to be a teenager deer with an Ipod and pimples on the tip of his nose.
This was a suicide terrorist deer.
This was no ordinary random deer.
Random deer tend to do unpredictable random things such as jump out of the woods and fling themselves against the side of your car, or stand and eat grass next to the interstate with SUVs full of innocent tourists whizzing past.
Occasionally they like to play possum beside the road.

This deer had one thing in mind. “Must kill the parking light, must kill the parking light, must kill the parking light.”
The reason this terrorist attack is so unique is because a deer, (was it the grandfather of this terrorist deer?) hit my thunderbird prior to my purchasing said Thunderbird and busted the left parking light, causing extensive damage.
Just think the deer spent its whole life with one goal in mind. Find Thunderbird and complete mission: Bust Parking Lights.
The following exchange may or may not have taken place in the three nanoseconds before I hit him.

Terrorist deer: “Which one is it Grandfather?”
Grandfather: “The one that isn’t busted.”
Terrorist deer: “There are two!”
Grandfather: “Go for the left one.”
Terrorist deer: “I can’t, I can’t!”
Grandfather: “The force be with you.”
Terrorist deer: “AAAAGGGHHH KAPOW.

I have considered the possibility that this deer may have been a prince in ancient times.
A witch cast a spell on him and turned him into a deer.
The only way for him to break the curse is to find a thunderbird and put its eyes out.
Now this prince deer is caught in an endless cycle of reincarnating and trying to break the curse of the Thunderbird’s eyes.

Could it have been a Random deer?
Maybe!

Thanks to http://www.eskimo.com/~spban/bread.html for the following advice:(

2005-12-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )

Columbus Finds Big Land!!!

2005-10-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to Applebees to redeem a five dollar gift card that has been bouncing around the van for a while.
I killed the buttermilk shrimp and a steak and a Pepsi.
My wife killed a steak and water.

Yesterday was Columbus Day.
We need to celebrate Columbus Day.
What could be better than celebrating a day when a bunch of angry, mutinous, sailors and a captain named Columbus who had been lost for weeks suddenly discover land and claim it? Because after all it’s not like somebody already lived here.
What about the Indians.
Umm` Uh` What Indians.
America was discovered by Columbus.
Who would call his son, Columbus?
Maybe, Columbus’s dad?

Doctor: “The baby is coming!”
Dad: “Ah yes.”
Doctor: (Baby cries) “It’s a boy.”
Dad: “Columbus.”
Doctor: “Nurse, did it just thunder?”
Nurse: “No sir! The dad just said Columbus.”
Doctor: “Why did you say Columbus?”
Dad: “His name shall be Columbus.”
Doctor: “You must be a very wicked man.”

I am sure the Native American gazette had a head line such as, Breaking News: Our land has discovered a man called Columbus who was lost at sea!

The Place Where Columbus Came From gazette said: Breaking News: Columbus has found a new land!

Carter Is No Longer Quite All There And Breaking News From Alexander Duffy.

2005-10-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I gave Carter a haircut.
He went from:

To:

The clippers got so dull that they wouldn’t cut anymore so I had to use the scissors.
Now he looks like he lost a battle to a few dozen alley cats.

In the news today, according to popular news anchor, The Potato, slogan, Riding the Gravy Train for over Thirty Years.
Quote: (Yesterday race care driver Alexander Duffy announced that although he has been winning two out of every three races for the last three months and is poised to become the youngest winner of the Pepsi 300. He is tired of racing. In a news conference he said quote, “I have not had time to do things for me, all my time has been devoted to racing and I have simply had enough of it.”
When asked what he planned to do with his early retirement, he said, “I know many people out there don’t make fifty million dollars a year, but I have experienced it and have found that it simply does not bring happiness. I want to become a redneck. I want to sit on my broken down front porch and hammer beer. I want to have three cars on blocks in the weeds around my house. I want to wear a filthy t shirt, a beer belly, a rusty shotgun, and a coon dog that is too lazy to chase coons. I want to hurt Bambi from the roof of my house whether the season is open or not. I don’t want to pay taxes and I want to drive a junker that burns more oil than gas.”
Although the media recoiled in horror at this outburst, they soon recovered and started shouting questions such as; “Where will you live,” and, “But one more race and you would go into the Guinness Book of World Records“, and, “What about the Pepsi 300”. To which Mr. Alex simply replied, “I know you cannot understand but I have to do this for me.” I can not spend the rest of my life going around and around in a circle, I want to go places and do things.”
When asked if he would ever consider coming back. Alex made this startling comment, “If I ever get tired of being a redneck, I would like to try my hand at being Amish and see if I like that better.
Kent Looney, the owner of the car that Mr. Duffy drives said simply, quote, “I think the man has gone crazy.” He refused to talk to the media anymore than that.)

I did make that up.
It could have happened though!

Couldn’t it?

I Can Not Post This Blog Because My Computer Crashed.

2005-10-08T06:21:00.001-07:00

I am pleased to announce that today I am much wiser than two days ago.

Two days ago I still had no idea that drinking three cans of Red Bull at one time will not put you in the hospital. It also did not turn me into a whirling tornado of cleaning the house, washing the dishes, mowing the yard, and making some new cages for the little gerbils that may or may not arrive soon.
Much to my chagrin.

I drank one Bull; felt a little better.
So I drank a second Bull; Better yet.
I kept thinking about all the cartoons in which the people can do things such as run so fast that they leave smoke trails, straighten up a house in like five seconds, run out over a cliff and just stand there for a few minutes before they do the gravity thing, and chop down a tree at exactly three thousand chops per second.

So I drank a third Red Bull.

I did not turn into Woody Woodpecker.
My pulse stayed at seventy four, my blood pressure went up, my heart started going, THUMP THUMP THUMP.
I started getting a sharp pain in the top of my head that felt like somebody was banging steel on steel.
I did feel like working though, but I just could not get myself to turn into Woody Woodpecker.

My wife (The one with the dark hair.) wants me to shoot Carter, the family dog.
She says he stinks, he has fleas, he’s loud, he chews stuff up, he killed the first gerbil, he wants to marry the stuffed animals, he is obnoxious, and generally she just does not like him.
She said, “Take your new gun and shoot Carter.”

Yesterday I was out working, wearing my new gun in a holster.
On the way back to the house, walking past the dump truck, I pulled my gun out and pointed it at the dog.
I said, “Bang, you’re dead.”
Carter grinned and said, “Ha ha.”
He doesn’t know anything about guns.

When I told my wife what I did, she said, “You should have pulled the trigger.”
“Pull the trigger!!” I said, “That would have been like shooting a family member!”
Here was Carter and myself walking into the house, walking and talking and having pretty good fellowship.
I didn’t want to just all of a sudden pull my gun out and shoot him right there by the old dump truck.
I want to teach one of my wives to shoot my new gun. (Probably the one with the dark hair.)

In the news today: There is a new Trojan, going around that attacks the new PSP. (The PSP is like a Game boy only much better) The Trojan is called Trojan PSPBrick, and it is handed out as a program that will enable the PSP to run homegrown games.
Instead it turns the PSP basically into a brick.
It kills it by deleting key files and renders the PSP completely useless.
HAHA.
That is so funny.
I wish I could see some of the poor geeks downloading and installing the thing, only to find that their three hundred dollar PSP is completely useless.
Hee Hee, those poor suckers!!!

Hey!
What’s going on with my computer?
Wait, don’t delete that.
Wait I still need that.
How did this get past the firewall?
Hey I’m writing my blog.
I have to go now and deal with this virus.
I will …….
Crash.
……………………………….................................

Enemy Aircraft Inside My House.

2005-10-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

Flies are buzzing around and around my head as I sit here thinking.

Little enemy aircraft being flown by mercenary pilots driven mad, wishing I was dead so they can bomb me full of fly eggs.

I’m not dead much to their chagrin.

I am sure their little headsets are buzzing all the time with little fly analysis’s and situational updates such as:

Fly One: “Fly One to Fly Two come in.”
Fly Two: “Come in, fly one.”
Fly One: “Check out this really large white bleached mammal.”
Fly Two: “Is it dead.”
Fly One: It may be, no wait, its fingers are moving a little bit, but it just sits there. I think it may be dying!”
Fly Two: “Maintain a holding pattern around its head.”
Fly One: “Roger that.”
Fly Two: “Keep the buzzers going in case it decides to get up and go to work; we can lull it to death with our buzzing. I am going to land here on its socks on top of the desk here.”
Fly One: “Roger that, I need to go to the bathroom again.
Fly Two: “The bathroom is over on that white thing with the little black tracks appearing over it.
Fly One: “Roger that, Fly one out.”

Hotdogs, Wieners, Daschunds...

2005-10-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

According to popular news anchor, MarketWatch.com, slogan, Dot Comming The Bleachers Since Eighteen Seventy Four.
Quote, (The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said Tuesday it wants to ban high-risk material such as the brains and spinal cords from cattle of any age not inspected and passed for human consumption, and the whole carcass of cows not inspected and passed for human consumption if the brains and spinal cords haven't been removed.
The agency also wants to prohibit tallow, a cattle fat, derived from banned materials if it contains more than 0.15% insoluble impurities. Mechanically separated beef that comes from the prohibited materials also is to be rejected.
"We calculate that by removing the brain and the spinal cord you remove 90% of the infectivity of any animal," Dr. Stephen Sundlof, director of the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine, said during a conference call. "That's a considerable amount."
Sundlof acknowledged that the FDA rules weren't as stringent as those in Canada, which doesn't allow cattle intestinal material or nerve tissue known as dorsal root ganglia into animal feed.)

“What does this mean for the average consumer,” You ask.
It means that they want to ban the things on angry cows that go into wieners.
Such things like, the brain, the guts, the nose, THE EYEBALLS, various parts of the body that the turkey buzzards will not eat.
What we need next is a disease called, Angry Pig. That would cut down on all those pig noses, pig tails, and other things you would not get normal human beings to eat if you had not ground it all up and made a little weenie out of it.

I can’t really think of anything worse than what already is in weenies.
Maybe if they would start letting the stuff rot for a few weeks.
People would still buy the things.

Twenty year old kid: “These are some of the best weenies I have ever had. I especially like the radical new green color and horrible taste. That eyeball freaked me out a little though.”
Mom: “Here have some vegetables.”
Twenty year old kid: “Yuk! That stuff is nasty.”
Mom: “Pull up you Hilfigers and lets talk about the that job thing.

People will continue to eat members of the bovine body that were never meant for mammal consumption. They will continue to buy dachshunds and shamelessly walk them along the sidewalk.

Turkey? Rocket Racing? Ralf Nadir??

2005-10-04T04:30:00.000-07:00

The European Union has started talks with Turkey in which they will try to make Turkey a member.
This news story presents a bit of a problem for me.
I can think of at least six clever jokes that need to be made about the EU. Turkey, and Ralf Nadir.
(Although you would have thought that he did, Ralf Nadir has no connection to Turkey.)

1. I thought the EU. included enough Turkeys already.
2. Turkey should feel right at home in the EU.
3. Does the EU celebrate Thanksgiving?
4. What do the Turks have to say about the whole deal?
5. When a grape farmer from France moves to Turkey and opens a winery, will he be called a French Turkey? Or a turkey from France?
6. Will Ralf Nadir run for president in 2008?

A Russian space shuttle arrived at the space station with a new crew and one paying visitor, Gary Olson. He paid twenty million dollars to for the visit. He will return home on October tenth.
He is the third person to buy a ticket to the space station from the Russian travel agency, Space Adventures.
Space Adventures brokers, you guessed it, space travels.
I am sure they are loaded up with business.
They may also broker travel to less exotic places such as Bangladesh, or Costa Rica, or Illinois.
That could bring in a little more business than trips to the space station.
Most of us don’t have enough cash to shell out the twenty million dollars.

According to popular news anchor, Space.com, slogan, Stay Up To Date With All The Latest News.
Quote, (A private group of rocketeers has banded together to create the Rocket Racing League with aims at blurring the line between competitive racing and human space flight. Their vision: A fleet of at least 10 stock rocket planes flown by crack pilots through a three-dimensional track 5,000 feet above the Earth.)
Racing space ships.
These guys are nuts.
They say they want to build a Nascar type of racing, only instead of cars you use rockets.

Marathons Are Exclusively For Road Runners Loaded Up On Red Bull.

2005-10-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today my wife, (The one with the dark hair.) went with me to the eye doctor.

We could not get to the doctor’s office because a bunch of people were running a marathon down the street right past where I needed to go.

I had to wait about five minutes for them (The People.) to finish with the road so I could use it.

Among the people, which came in all shapes and sizes and colors, were two dogs.

One was a small little dog, about the size of a stunted rabbit. It was leading a lady. He was straining at the leash.

The other dog was a medium sized boxer that looked thoroughly confused. He just sort of walked along behind the man. Every few steps he stopped and looked around, scratched his head, cursed under his breath, then hurried to catch up again.

Personally, I can think of a few things I would rather do than run in a marathon.

Things such as, wash the dishes, carry heavy jars to the basement, listen to my new ipod, lay on the couch, watch a movie, or shoot my new gun.

Really I can’t think of anything I would rather not do than run in a marathon.

Ever since Fred Flintstone made his first car, man was not meant to run marathons.

There were far more women in the thing than men. At least as many as ten to one.

If I have to run in a marathon, I want to have a bicycle, wait, no, an electric scooter, minimum.

Woman: “Oh, Hi sir, do you want to run in our marathon?”

Me: “Will you have enough Segways for everybody?”

Woman: “Segways?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, the little electric kart that you stand on so you don’t have to walk.”

Woman: “We just walk.”

Me: “Walk… as in, WALK, first the left then the right, Six miles per hour?!?”

Woman: “walk.”

Me: “Sorry I can’t! I have to go home and beat myself over the head with a chair, stick my finger in an electric outlet and kick the door with my bare feet!”

On the way home from the doctor, we stopped at Aldis.

When we paid at the checkout, the clerk asked if we need cash back.

I said, “Yeah, twenty dollars.”

Out in the parking lot, my wife (The one with the dark hair.) looked at the receipt and noticed that the clerk had not billed us for the twenty dollars.

My wife took the thing back in and gave it to the clerk.

On her way out of the store, a man yelled at her, “The Lord bless you for your honesty young lady.”

Next we went to a store called, believe it or not, The Fishy Business.

I told her, “If you feel like you are too honest to go into the fishy business, you can stay in the van.”

She went in with me.

We got two gerbils.

A he and a she.

We brought them home and put them in their cage.

They immediately brought out the guns and started world war three.

A few hours later I saw a little white flag come out of the male’s little house, it waved a bit, then the male went over to the female’s house.

She brought out a little clipboard with some papers on it.

He signed the papers and then he went back over to his house.

Maybe there will be baby gerbils around here soon.

I Bought A New Gun Today, Inspite Of The State Police, Clerks, Background Checks, And The Front Door Guard Lady Brandishing A Stapler.

2005-09-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the gun store and bought a gun.

A nine millimeter Hi-Tech (the brand name is actually, Hi-Tech.) cannon that does in fact make apples explode at ten yards.

The grasshopper vanished in a cloud of red parched dust.

It would not quite penetrate one-eighth inch steel plate.

The dead tree now contains a nine-millimeter, one hundred fifteen grain bullet.

The little song sparrow flew away before I managed to get it in my sights.

When I showed my new gun to the big R, he immediately stuffed his ears full of wadded up paper towels so it wouldn’t be so loud, and shot at a spinning target thirty feet away. On the second shot a small tree in the woods shrieked and fell over with a guttural cry. Bullets tend to do rather zany things when the Big R releases them.

Like that rabbit that was supposed to be scared of a bullet hitting the ground three feet behind him.

Instead of leaving at a high rate of speed, he sped off to glory with an R bullet in the back of his head.
R was trying to shoot behind it to scare it, he really did not want to hit it. He never intended to hit right in the back of the head.

He must have been one of those extra super Christian rabbits because as soon as the bullet hit him he flew three feet straight up in the air and fell face down in the dirt.

His spirit took off so fast that it dragged his body up into the air.

On the way to the gun store, a state police pulled out in front of me.

That made me a little nervous.

What if he pulls me over for some reason?

“Can I see your license and registration please?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Where are you going in such a hurry?”

“To the gun store to buy a gun, Sir!”

“Step out of the car and place both hands, palms down on top of the car!!!”

I tried to act nondescript, driving slowly, not ogling the people on the sidewalk.

It must have worked because a few minutes later he turned off onto another road, his tail waving back and forth, his nose on the ground searching for the scent of an evil doer.

At the gun store I looked at the office supplies, picked up a new jacket and some other stuff, then headed on over to look at the guns.

After a lot of paperwork that included admitting that I do not use illegal substances, I am not a felon, I am not an illegal alien, and that I’m not nuts.

Maybe I am nuts.

What if they run a background check on me and it reports that I am nuts?

“Sir, would you please step this way.”

“What, what’s wrong.”

“This report says you are nuts.”

“But I’m not nuts!”

“The paper says you are nuts.”

Finally after speaking on the phone a little while, telling the person at the other end, things such as, my name, my weight, my height, my color, the name of the girl I had a crush on when I was in the third grade, and my drivers license number. The man behind the counter hung up,

I was pretty sure he was going to call the police.

(People do buy these things all the time don’t they?)

Instead he just took my new jacket and stuffed it into a white garbage bag.

Along with my new holster, my new gun case, the girl that was helping him and my two boxes of shells.

She almost went into the bag too.

The jacket was too big for the bag. He was there grabbing and stuffing, grabbing and stuffing and he accidentally grabbed her arm and started to stuff her into the bag too.

I paid at the back of the store, so the vicious guard lady up front had to look at my receipt and make sure that I hadn’t grabbed something on the way forward.

“What’s in the bag?”

“One large jacket, one new holster, one new gun case, two boxes of shells, and the girl from sporting goods, Ma’am.”

New Breakthrough In 911 Technology.

2005-09-30T04:36:00.000-07:00

What happens when you call nine one one.
Now you may have the opportunity to have the police come over and just gun down the offending party.

The following occurred in Texas, home of the Panhandle.
When the woman identified only as Lori, came home, she found her two daughters, ages 12 and 14, fighting.

The conversation went like this;
Dispatcher: “911 what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I just came home and found my two daughters fighting; one of them kicked a hole in the door. The 12-year-old is completely out of control. She's as big as I am. I can't control her."
Dispatcher: "O.K., did you want us to come over and shoot her?"
(Long pause)
Dispatcher: "Are you there?"
Caller: "Excuse me!!?"
Dispatcher: "Uh, that's a joke."
Caller: “Sir what is your name?”
Dispatcher: “Mike Forbes.”
Caller: “That wasn’t very funny!”
Dispatcher: “I know ma’am.”
Caller: “That really wasn’t funny, because you know what. It won’t be funny when I go in front of your supervisor and file a complaint against you.
Dispatcher: “I know ma’am.”
Caller: “You know I he can listen to this on tape.”
Dispatcher: “Yes he can.”

The mother didn't find it very funny.
The dispatcher was reprimanded.

I do in fact find it very funny.

It’s always a relief to know that if you see a burglar breaking into the back door of your house, you have the option of having the police come by and shoot the burglar.
You here a scratching on the glass and call 911.
“911 What is your emergency?”
“Um yeah, I heard a scratching noise on the glass out side my back door. Can you guys come by and check it out?”
“Did you want us to shoot it?”
“Um yeah go ahead, just gun it down, that will be fine, thank you.”
“No problem!”

Or if you have a fender bender on the intersection of N. main and fifth street, you can have the police come by and they will do things such as direct the traffic, write up an accident report, control the scene, and if you wish, they can also just go ahead and shoot you or the other fender-bendering person, or the stander bys, or the rubber-neckers, or the Labrador Retriever chained to a tree, two blocks back.

Our legislative system will become practically nonexistent.

Alarm system goes off,
Police arrive at the scene.
Bang bang bang.
Home owner forgot his alarm code for the last time!

FEMA Comes Through For The American People Once Again!!!

2005-09-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the sale barn.
They were selling cows of all shapes and sizes and colors.
The cows came into the ring and were auctioned off to the highest bidder.
Millions of dollars worth of cow is auctioned off each week with the twitch of a finger or a nod.
I waited in vain for the bulls to be sold. Only a few scruffy little wimps went through the ring.
There were no angry, crushed glass eating, stomp you in the dirt, who’s your daddy, bulls there.
Most of the little bulls that went through, slouched into the ring, baseball cap on backwards, little baggy Hilfiger jeans half way to their knees, no care whether they brought fifty cents a pound or dollar fifty a pound.

I waited patiently, hoping, (I didn’t pray though) for some big angry, Harley bull to come hammering into the ring and put the ring attendees in the hospital.

(Please let an enormous bull, no wait, please send a woolly mammoth into the ring to charge the guys in the ring. Scare them so bad that they will become missionaries to a remote cannibal infested region in the Pacific! Your will be done. Amen)

No real bull.
Nothing but tame, chew cud, low self-esteem, male cows.
That’s the problem here in America, bulls are not real bulls like they used to be.
We need more bull here in America.

Talking about bull; FEMA ordered three luxury cruise ships to house the displaced people of New Orleans at a cost of twelve hundred dollars per day per person.
Twelve hundred dollars per person per day!
The usual rate for non-displaced people from anywhere besides New Orleans is six hundred dollars per person per day on the same luxury cruise ships.

That is a relief.
We know that America is going down the tube when FEMA buys their stuff for the normal, regular, handyman Joe price.

Ashen faced person: “Dude, I just saw FEMA.”
Dude: “So!?!”
Ashen faced person: “They bought a cinnamon roll for fifty cents.”
Dude: (gasp!)

What could be better than a bunch of refugees on a boat slamming hors de evors, and crushing all the free beer they can drink and sending the tab to Santa Claus?

Promised land!

Promised land?

Promised land.

Hey!!! I'm Back Online. In Spite Of Ecstattering Circumstances!

2005-09-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

Due to some ecstattering circumstances I was unable to post for the last few weeks.
I will now be able to post daily once more.
"What about Eyore," you ask.
Never mind Eyore.
Eyore is a pessimist.
Eyore needs to be sent to the glue factory.
Check back soon.

'Feel Like A Dog, Day'

2005-09-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

Are you donating to the Hurricane Katrina relief funds? Chances are you may be fattening some geeks wallet instead. At least 4,000 Web sites claiming to be Hurricane Katrina relief funds have popped up on the Internet The FBI has so far reviewed 2,100 sites, of which 60 percent are foreign, according to FBI assistant director, Chris Swecker.

Shopping at Sams Club can be a liberating experience. "Cash only," the polite checkout lady says with a smug, I just swallowed a fish, look. Feeling the sudden tension in the air, she glances at Mom. Mom just looks at her. Actually just look doesnt quite capture the emotion Mom was looking with. The Polite Lady fumbles around with her register. "Your membership is running out in October," she offers meekly, do you want to renew it now?" "No," Mom says. Embarrassed the Polite Lady rapidly checks out Mom . And guess what? Yes, youre right! Mom paid by check. Moral of Story? Discover your own power!

Now for the Random Trivia For Today. Long ago there was a little country general store right in the middle of a dry county. Word had it that if you wanted some drinks, you had to pinch the man behind the counter. Thus the name Pinchem Store evolved. Well then the people didnt like that name so they just started saying Penchem.

This is me, the usual guest writer. Yes, Mike is on holiday. "What holiday", you ask? "Erm, its Feel Like A Dog Day. "

Yahoo! for Good
Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.

Important Ophelia Update. Savage Saskatchewanian Mosquitoes Being Domesticated By The West Nile Virus!

2005-09-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Ophelia continues to sit off the coast of North Carolina shaking her head and sniffing the air.
Quote, (As Tropical Storm Ophelia continues to spin off the Carolina coast, North Carolina has mobilized supplies and manpower to move in if the storm hits the state.)
She is moving northwest at three miles per hour.
North Carolina has staged three hundred soldiers with bayonets ready, to go out and stab the ocean, if the hurricane starts moving toward land.
They also have trucks loaded with supplies and rescue equipment.

According to popular news anchor Techworld, slogan, The Uk’s Infrastructure and Network Knowledge Center. Flash drives will replace hard drives. According to Dr Chang Gyu Hwang, (I did not make this up.) CEO of Samsung, flash drives are doubling their capacity every twelve months. He (the little Chinese guy.) also said they just finished a sixteen gigabyte flash drive.
With a sixteen gigabyte flash drive, you could take seventy or eighty thousand pictures with a digital camera before the thing gets full.
That means by the year 2007, we will see flash drives with a capacity of sixty four gigs.
And by 2020, flash drives will hold about 524,288 gigabytes.

Imported foods are responsible for creating super bugs, according a report in Great Britain. More than eighty people have died from the antibiotic resistant bacterium.

An eighty three year old man in Saskatchewan has died from mosquito-born West Nile virus.
They have very large mosquitoes in Saskatchewan.
My guess this old man was going through the woods, not really watching where he was going and all of a sudden the mosquito which was about the size of a medium sized woolly mammoth, comes roaring out of the woods and bites him. The real question here is, did the old man die from the mosquito bite, or did he die from the West Nile virus.

See, unlike the mosquitoes here in the U.S. where the West Nile virus is inside the mosquito, in Saskatchewan the West Nile virus rides on top of the mosquito’s back. It carries a little black powder rifle and shoots its prey when the mosquito charges in to bite the victim. Mostly the pair just eats things like horses, cows, brown bears, and eighty year old men that won’t stop and ask for directions.

I made that up.

Beware The Animal Mafia

2005-09-12T04:29:00.000-07:00

Coke and Pepsi got married.
They didn’t have kids, so they went to Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper checked them both out and said, “You can’t have kids because you are both Pops!”

Thanks to my Mom for that one.

Everybody needs a little biology lesson occasionally.

There is absolutely nothing on the news reporting.

People are angry, rioting, turning over stuff, burning stuff in Belfast.
(Where ever that is.)
That’s not worth mentioning.

There is much depression and gloom in the Gaza strip despite the Israeli pullout.

Uggnnhhh, I am so depressed.

Can’t somebody please do something interesting?

Maybe play with dynamite and obliterate something such as an old barn or maybe a dead tree.

Hey!

That reminds me!!

Yes.

My neighbor’s son trapped a ground hog. Or it may have been a woodchuck.
The son is not a member of PETA.
WARNING TO ALL PETA MEMBERS! The Following Has Been Rated R In The PETA Members Handbook.

Anyway he caught the (Hey, You, PETA, You There, Yes, Sir, You, Stop Peeking) groundhog but the groundhog went down in a hole under a barn. He stuck his hand down into the hole (He is also not a member of OSHA.) and took hold of the trap and tried to pull the wood chuck back out. (He also may not be a member of sane civilization) Some wasps came out and chased him away.
(The only member in this equation may be the groundhog, which may have been a member of the Mafia)
When the wasps came out he turned to his most basic instinct.
Fire.
Notice to all boys.
No wait?
Notice to all male human beings.
When you have an old barn and fire, start running.
If you have anything other than a campfire, start running

To make a long story short, he tried to burn the wasps and managed to burn down the barn, the wasps, and the woodchuck.

Pretty sad.

You know,

About the wood chuck!

Ophelia Lost Her Baby, Gerbil Activists Are Lobbying To Be Allowed To Vote!

2005-09-11T07:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went driving all over Clarksville; we went to a zillion yard sales.
You know how the scientists say we evolved from the monkeys.
I don’t believe that.
But sometime when I go to yard sales, I have to wonder if some of us might have more chimpanzee tendencies than others!

It is unbelievable the stuff people collect. The junk!
Like the one with all the little model cars.
Many of them he wanted to sell for like, nine thousand dollars.
Well he did want seventy dollars for some of them.
Little cars about eight inches long.
What could you do with them?
Unless of course, which is highly likely; you are a gerbil.

What would be better than being a gerbil and driving a model of Dale Earnhardt’s number three car!
That is one reason why we, the comedy starved people of America, have to oppress the gerbils and keep them in cages.
If we just released them and wrote the Constitution of the United States to protect them too, things could get really bad.
They could buy much nicer cars than us. For a lot less money.
I can see it already. I’m out driving down the road minding my own business when a whole family of gerbils in convertibles comes up behind me, passes me, little gerbil radio thumping out the tunes.
At the rate they have babies they could take over the U.S. in like five minutes simply by hogging the vote.

How many hurricanes have hit the coast this year?
Ophelia, a cow hurricane is out off the coast of the Carolinas, snorting and threatening to charge inland!
The governor of North Carolina put the state in a state of emergency but has not started the evacuation process yet.
Computer models put Ophelia closer to land some time next Tuesday.

Here is me being a scientist:
Hurricanes are caused when a little tropical storm has a calf storm.
Sometimes the little calf storm wanders off and the tropical mom storm has to go looking for it. When she can’t find it she gets mad and turns into a hurricane. Sometimes her quest brings her inland in a wild flustering flurry of angry, I lost my kid in the supermarket, mom hurricane. We, scientists are working on a baby calf hurricane that we want to mount on a ship. Then when a mom hurricane comes close to land we just go out to sea and honk the thing at her. Hopefully she will come after the ship and we can lead her down to Cuba or some place.
We, scientists currently have no plans to trap the hurricane and keep her in a big cage.
That is a little beyond our scope. It would however be convenient to have some bottled hurricanes to threaten other countries with.
U.S.: “Hey president of Korea, stop building nukes or we’ll release an angry mom hurricane on your beach that has been told you didn‘t let her calf storm play in the sandbox with the other calves!”
Korea President: “What about the rice crop?”
U.S.: “What about the rice?”
Korea President: “We need to protect ourselves!”
U.S.: “Stop it or we’ll tell her you said she is fat!”
Korea President: “What!?!”

The space station received a shipment of supplies via remote controlled cargo space ship.
Quote, (A Russian cargo ship carrying nearly 2.8 tons of food and supplies docked at the International Space Station on Saturday, just weeks before a new crew arrives.)
That is so cool.
I wish I could have a remote controlled space ship to play with!

Yesterday was National To Busy To Write A Blog Day for the people of Kentucky.
What’s up with all these holidays we have had recently?
I’ll look into it..

The Head Of FEMA Has Been Replaced!!!

2005-09-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: The head honcho of FEMA has been replaced by the big dogs in Washington. FEMA is in charge of taking care of New Orleans after the hurricane. Duties include feeding the displaced people, cleaning up all the debris from the flood, and wasting exactly the same amount of money that it would take to feed half of Africa for a year, including the wildebeasts!

You Say You Need A Democrat. I'm Sorry! All We Have Are Eeyores!

2005-09-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

Breaking News
This just in!
According to popular news anchor, The 100 Akre Weekly, slogan, We Don't Have Democrats. But We Do Have Eeyore.
Winnie The Pooh has not been seen or heard from for over a week.
The last known contact was in New Orleans on the day after the hurricane when a reporter snapped this photo.

Police are very concerned. When reporters tried to interview Police Chief Piglet, Piglet could not speak and even Tigger looked visibly shaken by Mr. Pooh's disappearance.
Police in New Orleans have been advised that he is not dangerous but they will arrest him on sight.
Mr. Pooh has failed to report to his parole officer all of this week. He has a criminal history of theft and burglary. Something to do with bees and honey, details are a little unclear.
Anybody with information on Mr. Pooh's whereabouts is urged to call Christofer Robin immediately!

Stop It, You're Scaring Me!!!

2005-09-09T04:11:00.000-07:00

Is there anything scarier than a flashing cursor? Maybe a charging bull elephant on steroids?
Thunderstorms, burglars, tornadoes, saber toothed tigers, timber wolves, flashing cursors!

A flashing cursor says, “I dare you to type! I double dare you to type!” If you don’t write something I’m going to tell everybody! If you don‘t write, I‘m going to tell everybody in church that you were to embarrassed to buy just toilet paper at save a lot, and you had to buy a bunch of cereal to cover it up.”
“Ok Ok, you Shutup already.”
Maybe next time they pave the road out here by my house, I’ll just put my computer out and let them run their little roller tractor over it, and then just pave right over the top of it.
Just pave the thing right down into the road.
How about that you bigmouthed little punk?
That would make my life so much simpler.

In the news today,
According to popular news anchor, Nine Msn, slogan, Channel Nine Australian For News,
Quote, (A 7.3 magnitude quake struck the New Ireland region of Papua New Guinea, the US Geological Survey reported.
"No damage has been reported at this point in time to the US Geological Survey," agency spokeswoman spokesman Clarice Ransom said.)

According to popular news anchor, Pilotonline.com, slogan, Welcome! It's Friday, September 9, 2005,
Quote, (Ophelia continued to hover off the Florida coast Thursday, growing slowly but tapping enough energy from warm Atlantic Gulf Stream waters to intensify into a hurricane.)

In Jerusalem the Israeli army is blowing up their old buildings as part of their pull back from the Gaza strip.
Apple has come up with a new Ipod. Quote,
(Apple introduced the iPod nano, a flash based player that is thinner than a standard pencil and less than half the size of competitive players.)
The FDA has said go ahead with the new inhaled insulin.
Ebay wants to buy Skype. Although Skype rhymes with Hype, It has nothing to do with the Washington Post.
Skype is a VOIP. (Voice Over Isaac Perez)

According to popular news anchor GlobeandMail.com, slogan, (They don’t have a slogan) http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20050909/BRAIN09/TPScience/
Quote (Humans may be the brightest species on Earth, but provocative new research has concluded our brain has not yet reached its final form.
Scientists at the University of Chicago have found that two human genes involved in brain size and development are still evolving -- and, they suspect, mutating to make people smarter).
Scientists!
I wonder if I could be a scientist.
It can’t be that hard.
You know coming up with these stories.
Look here you scientists, Take your word processors and your families and your (word deleted because of a strict policy not to allow bovine into this blog.) and your tiny eyebrow cattle and go join the Amish

One Big Comet, One Little Cattle Traveling First Class. Landing In Fifteen Minutes.

2005-09-08T04:29:00.000-07:00

Many countries are offering support to America after New Orleans was mauled by Katrina.
However those countries that are sending items other than cash are hitting a big snag.
Quote
(Generous offers of aid for hurricane victims are pouring in from scores of nations, but in many cases the United States is unprepared to receive the goods. As a result, the State Department is pressing countries that are offering the use of helicopters, water purification equipment and telecommunications gear, among other items, to provide cash, or ready-to-eat meals instead.)
It goes on to say that the state department said thank you for the gifts but hold on, we need to come up with a list of priorities first.
This mumbo jumbo is so depressing that I don’t even want to get started thinking about it.
I have been keeping the hurricane story covered with a virtual tarp and the flood story in New Orleans won’t be addressed anymore by me here, so I’m going to take it out and bury it in the yard.

That’s the way to deal with bad stories.
If it’s not funny.
If nobody became a ballerina by accident, if nothing exploded, and if the thing was achieved by sharp, very high IQ, never trip over a root, kind of people. Then there is no story.
That’s the problem here in America. The media has no dignity, shamelessly covering stories dealing with flat, straight, booooring, stories. Resulting in large, obese, angry, comedy starved Americans.

Dear (Pinheads) American Media;
My advice to you is to stop the stories about the hurricane, stop the stories about the flood, stop the stories about anything with a word that we don’t know what means.
Go and cover the pig races instead.
Sincerely
Keyboardonfire.blogspot.com

In other news, quote, (Some scientists have long held the notion that comets delivered many of the chemical building blocks of organic life. NASA's Deep Impact mission to comet Tempel 1 has substantially strengthened their case.)

Dear Scientist;
You really think that the earth was seeded with the building blocks of life by a bunch of comets slamming into it?
Where did the comets come from?
Where did the earth come from?
Where did the building blocks come from?
Why do you think that there are little cattle in our eyebrows that come out to feed at night?
Did they ride in on the comets too?
What, did the elephant blocks ride the comet?
Sincerely,
Keyboardonfire.blogspot.com

This proves what I have maintained for a long time.
All the scientists should be rounded up and forced to join the Amish.
Preferably the most conservative brand of Amish available.

Seeding the earth with comets! That must be the dumbest thing they have come up with yet.

What’s next?
Wouldn’t it be easier to say that it all started with a big bang?
(Insert sound clip, largegrouplaughter.wav now.)

You Just Won One Million Dollars!************

2005-09-07T04:33:00.000-07:00

Send me your email address and I will give you One Million Dollars. *

If you click here now, I will send you free tickets to Orlando Florida yada yada yada*

What’s up with the asterisk? *

Don’t you love when you are cruising through cyberspace and you see this banner ad shouting things such as, You Have Won A FREE Xbox! *
Two Free Gift Certificates To Red Lobster. *
Free Airline Tickets To Bangladesh. *
You Have Won The Internet Lottery In Nicaragua! *
You Have One A Free Dump Truck. *
That is what the little * allows you to do.

It’s a virtual crossing the fingers.

It allows you to say anything and make it look like the truth, but you can put down any stipulations you want.
(What does stipulations mean? Does it have anything to do with stapling down upholstery?)

A stipulation means that if I own a killer whale and you want it. I can say that you can have it if you give me one dollar, or one thousand dollars, or, if you brush its teeth.

Usually you have to sign up for one thousand things such as a credit card, information about a college in Massachusetts, a free credit report, and similar undesirable’s etc. Then they send you ten thousand emails with impertinent information, plus they sell your email address to all the people in Egypt that might be running a scam.

The only thing better than the banner ads is the advertisements on the radio such as this:

COME DOWN TO LENNIES’ FORD LINCOLN AND MERCURY AND DRIVE AWAY THIS NEW OXCART FOR ONLY ZERO MONEY DOWN, ZERO PERCENT INTEREST, AND ZERO BACK SEAT DRIVERS FOR SIX MONTHS. Taxtagandlicencenotincludedyouwillhavetoqualifyforcreditifyoumissasinglepaymentwewilltakebackthetrucksellyourwifeandkidsintoslaveryputyouinprisonandtakeyourfamilydogtothepound.

The problem here in America. Nobody tells the truth.
We have radio ads lying through their teeth.
We have banner ads lying on our computers.
We have the National Enquirer.

I say we make anybody that makes a business of talking fast or using an asterisk carry a flagpole with a large asterisk on it.
That way when you are going through Wal-Mart and you see the workers puttering around you can tell which ones to ask where stuff is.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*You will have to send me one million dollars plus the price of your prize plus tax plus an island in the Caribbean!

Differences! What Differences?

2005-09-06T04:29:00.000-07:00

According to popular news anchor Adnkronos International, slogan, Il Portale Dell’Informazione Global,
Quote, (Three militants and two policemen were killed on Monday in an on-going stand-off with police in the eastern Saudi city of Dammam)

We here in America don’t understand the people of Saudi Arabia and surrounding countries.
Here is a list of some of the differences:
(Hopefully this list will be helpful in reducing some of the negative views we, the comedy starved people of America, have of the Arabian countries)

1. We have midlife crisiss.
They grow a beard.

2. We ride horses.
They ride camels. (Which one reason they are not starved for comedy.)

3. We have grass.
They have sand.

4. We have Allen Jackson, Martha Stewart, and Donald Trump.
They have some guy whose name nobody can pronounce.

5. We eat pizza.
They eat kielbasas.

6. We get up in the morning and go to work.
They get up in the morning and go to work.
(Hey, what’s up with that?)
7. When we go to church we can kick back in the pews.
When they go to church they have to kneel all the time.

8. We pray now and then.
They pray at set times.

9. When we don’t like somebody we slander them.
When they don’t like somebody they shoot them.

10. When we have a problem we make a Problem Fixing Committee.
When they have a problem they shoot each other.

We should just go over there and bomb them with pizza, water guns, pork chops, Tylenol, jeans and t shirts, and Donald Trump.

That would teach them.

Jigsaw Puzzles Are Evil!!!

2005-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

Jigsaw puzzles are the enemy.

My wife is putting together a one thousand piece, Thomas Kinkade, The Sea Of Tranquility, jigsaw puzzle.

I tried to help her.

I picked up piece number eight hundred and fifty seven.
It was yellow so I decided it must go there by the sun.
I tried to fit it in but it wouldn’t fit.
Now what?
The puzzle is about forty percent complete so there are approximately six hundred pieces left.
Ten percent of the six hundred comes out to… Maybe about sixty pieces.
Do they actually expect me to try sixty pieces to find the right piece?

If they wanted the puzzle together, they shouldn’t have cut the thing up in the first place!

Or as electric firebrand, Patrick Henry put it, “Give me Liberty, or give me Death.”

If Needle Brain had been in the audience, history would have gone down in the notebook a little different.

More like:

Patrick Henry: “Give me liberty, or give me death.”
NeedleBrain: “Oh, Ok.” (Shoots Patrick with his blunderbuss.”)

That’s the problem with Needle Brain. He always tries to please everybody.

But back to this puzzle thing.
A wise man once said, “Know your enemy. “

Jigsaw puzzles were invented in 1438 AD. in China, by a man called Wang Fu.
Mr. Fu also invented chopsticks, the game of chess, rubbix cube, glass teacups, electric weedeaters, and Kevin Federline.

There are men who go down in history as exceptional. Such as, George Washington, Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe.
Other men go down in history in a less favorable light, for example, Hitler, Jesse James, Wang Fu, and Stalin.

Of course, Mr. Fu may be most famous for the Personal Flying Apparatus, he invented when he was just forty seven years old.
Sometime in the fall of 1445 AD.
Oh, by the way, history records that he died sometime in the winter of 1446 AD.
Something about a head injury.

But then, I may have made that up.

What If You Were Trapped In A Box Made Of Blackboard? You Would Have To Claw Your Way Out Of It With Your Fingernails!

2005-09-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

I found the following statement on a blog.
Quote.

(The sound sidewalk chalk makes when rubbed against concrete was created by Satan in order to make me shudder violently, break out in goosebumps and immediately start to wretch.)

I posted the following comment:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
lol.
Sidewalk and chalk.
What about finger nails and blackboards.

Did you ever hear that story about the man that was putting a roof on his house made of blackboards.

He was sitting on the peak barefooted and lost his balance.

He slid all the way to the edge trying to stop himself by digging his fingernails and his toenails into the blackboard roof.
It bent all his nails over backwards and but he managed to save himself right at the edge!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Obliterate,, Obliterate,, Obliterate,," "ShutUp Rover!" (Throws rock at dog)

2005-09-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today is a national holiday on a small island off the coast of Finland.
They call it National Obliterate Day.
The Postal service does not run and all thirty-seven of their police officers take the day off.
The working class spends the day drinking coffee and obliterating donuts.

These would be the smartest people on earth if they moved to a warmer climate for example, Hawaii.

Obliterating donuts. What could be better than obliterating donuts?
The only thing bigger than obliterating donuts is, maybe, drinking the coffee, or, eating a medium rare ribeye, or, maybe, breaking the windows out of an old house.

The word obliterate is like coffee, in a class all by itself.
Some things are good.
Some things are great.
And some things are extroponentially superb.
Things such as coffee, crème filled donuts, nineteen-pound largemouth bass, four day weekends, and the word obliterate, are in a class called extroponentially superb.
Things such as, spaghetti, cord telephones, tap water, and cross word puzzles are only good.

The word obliterate brings to mind some of the following pictures:

The tired hiker absentmindedly obliterated an ant hill with the tip of his hiking staff, while waiting on his wife to finish taking pictures of the dead raccoon.

The scientist watched closely as the two rams charged each other and butted heads. With a tremendous bang the three hundred sticks of dynamite he had crazy glued on the old ram’s horns, exploded. The whole herd of bighorn sheep, two rabbits, and a few songbirds were instantly obliterated.

You could say that the Mohicans were obliterated. (As of the book, The Last Of The Mohicans.) All be it rather slowly.

Scientists say that global warming is slowly obliterating the glaciers.
Scientists also say that technically a bumblebee should not be able to fly.

Penguins should technically be obliterated by the first winter storm. But they’re not. They just stand in a huddle through the long winter months, faithfully providing joke material for the comedy starved people of America.

A good way to become obliterated is sprinkling salt on a polar bears tail.

Or a wooly mammoth.

The word obliterate can be used only on rare occasions. Usually having to do with explosions.

That’s the problem here in America, people are starved to hear the media use the word obliterate.

Ok, if I write the word obliterate one more time, it will start to loose it’s meaning.

Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate
Woof
Obliterate
Obliterate
Obliterate

After a while it starts to mean as much as what a dog says when he goes woof.

Woof.

Which brings me to that question that has stumped even the smartest, IQ of three thousand, spectacle wearing, scientists, for centuries.

Why do dogs go, “Woof?”

Why don’t they go, “Obliterate!”

Amazing Discovery... Do Not Shoot Your Computer Until You Have Checked This Out.

2005-09-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

I found this place on the internet.
Youu use it to fiind things on Ebay that wur misspelled.
Let’s say somebody wants to sell a Kitchenaid on Ebay but they put it in as a Chickenaid.
Then when somebody else comes along and runs a search for a Kitchenaid.
The Khickenaid will not show up in the search because when people see it, they mistake it for a something a veterinarian would use in the hen house.
But if you run a search through this website, you will see that it is a Kitchenaid and you can pick it up for the lowest bid price. Nobody else will be bidding against you because nobody can find it.

Here is the website. http://www.fatfingers.com/

Why fatfingers.com?
Why not littlekeyboard.com?

I don't know!

Maybe they have fat fingers.

I Am Going To Shoot My Computer.

2005-09-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

I am writing this on my new, old computer.

My old, young computer died, he just shut down and restarted all by himself, sending all nineteen of my web pages of stuff I was researching, hurling into the big empty space where half written documents go when you forget to save them and the computer crashes.

That’s the problem with this new generation of computers.

The old computers used to lock up, freezing everything on the screen.

You could press alt ctrl delete one thousand times. You could press the escape button nine thousand times, you could put a jackhammer on the power button with no effect, you had to call the electric company to disconnect your power line before the thing would shutdown.
And all that time you could see the document you had been working on before the thing locked up, but of course you couldn’t save it.
Still you had time to perform the last rites.
Occasionally the computer would unfreeze and you would welcome your document back from the dead.

This new generation just shuts down. One minute you’re cruising along the cyber highway and the next minute your plastered up against the overpass.
No warning.
No useless messages saying that Error number 978 has occurred.
No sputtering, no upside down desktops, and no threatening, masked viruses.
Just a shotgun blast to the back of the head and then a message, Windows Is Restarting.

I think these new computers are ganging up to take over the world.
They are probably emailing each other with fish stories of how many web pages and documents they destroyed with one shot.

I ought to get my pistol out and just shoot the thing for once and for all, but I need to post this blog first.

Yard Sale, Korean President, Jehovah's Witness

2005-09-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went looking for a few yard sales.
Going to yard sales is just a half note above dumpster diving.
Let me rephrase that first sentence.

Yesterday we happened to be driving through quite a few subdivisions, and each time we saw a yard sale, we checked it out. Since we were passing it anyway!
Of course we also stopped at the occasional house where the garage, full of hammers, screw drivers, bikes, old antiques, a few old beds, and some old toys, etc. had spilled out into the driveway.

It is a little embarrassing some times. You pull up on the curb. You put the lever in park.
You walk over to the stuff, trying to make your body say in body language, “Hey what is this, some stuff for sale, eh.” You try to give off the impression that you just happened to be walking through the people’s yard anyway and just accidentally stumbled in on the stuff. And of course while you are going past you might as well stop and look at it.
Yard sale items and road kill may have more in common than you would think.

Then you’re looking at the stuff and you realize that there are no price tags on any of the stuff. And of course right on time, the lady of the house will show up at the door with her hair in curlers and a very large question mark hanging over her head, right where the halo goes, except she isn‘t wearing a halo.

This may mean that these people are not having a yard sale; you have just walked up to a stranger’s house and started going through his garage.
Your options are very limited at this point.
Here is a list of things you can do to survive this situation.

1. Walk to the car, get in, drive away at exactly the posted speed limit until you get to a supermarket. Park the car, get a buggy and push it around, pretending to be shopping until you feel like a normal piece of society again.

2. Look for the electric meter, go over to it and pretend to be studying it while writing something on your hand, then go to the car and leave, possibly at a very high rate of speed.

3. Find the telephone junction box, go over to it and open it with your pocket knife. A very effective method at this point is to take hold of the phone line and just rip it out of the box. Be careful though, this can backfire if the lady sees you pulling the wires out or if she happens to be a telephone technician line woman. Then you hold the wires and say intelligent sounding things like, “Green goes there, blue goes here, red is the ground. “ The lady may even be impressed with your hardworking technical nonsense. That is what you call, Extra Bonus Survival Points.

4. If the people at the house have a large dog, or a Chihuahua, go to the car at the absolute maximum possible speed. Don’t worry about leaving ruts in the yard. They don’t know who you are and chances are they have never seen anybody on foot, taking off so fast that they leaves skid marks for thirty yards.
If you are wheel chair bound cripple, go to suggestion number 4.

5. You can always pretend to be a Jehovah’s Witness.
Unless she happens to be a Jehovah’s Witness.
In which case go to suggestion number 4.

5. Tell her that you thought she was having a yard sale what with all the junk laying in the driveway. This could potentially end badly. If the situation deteriorates at this point, go to suggestion number 4.

I did buy a new computer for thirty five dollars.
An old Packard Bell.
Everything works on it except the cup holder.
It doesn’t come out when I press the button.
I got it out, now it won’t go back in.
The monitor that came with the computer is just a kid, so I hooked up my old nineteen inch crt.

Due to the lack of any news other than New Orleans, I will not be posting any news.

I will however post this breaking news story out of Korea, quote, (박근혜 한나라당 대표가 정면돌파를 선택했다.
전혀 예상치 못했던 여야 영수회담의 전격 수락. 불과 수 일전까지 박 대표가 연정의 ‘연’자도 꺼내지 못하게 막았던 터라 한나라당은 적지 않은 충격을 받은 모양이다. 전여옥 대변인도 면담이 끝나고 나서야 회담개최 사실을 알았을 정도다.

이제 관심은 노 대통령과의 단독회담 결과에 쏠리고 있다. 한나라당의 반대에도 불구하고 줄기차게 연정구애를 펼쳐온 노 대통령의 소망이 이루어질 것인가? 아니면 박 대표의 연정 불가 방침을 재확인하는 자리가 될 것인가? 여하튼 연정에 대한 논의가 주된 의제가 될 것임은 분명해 보인다.)

I don’t think anybody can read that.
I thought the Amish had made their life complicated.
No wonder the Korean president has a bad attitude.
He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

Korean President: “What’s up?”
Chief Adviser: “Here read this”
Korean President: (Puts on his spectacles and studies gibberish) “Ah”
Chief Adviser: “Now what?”
Korean President: “We will see.”
Chief Adviser: “But what about the rice crop?”
Korean President: “Ah yes.”
Chief advisor: “Should we protect ourselves.”
Korean President: “Prepare the military!”

(Chief Advisor leaves, and calls Chief of Military on the phone)
Chief Advisor: “Hi Chief of Military”
Chief of Military: “What!”
Chief Advisor: “The rice has a disease and the president wants you to prepare the military to protect us.”
Chief of Military: “What!?!”

Four Measly DNAs,

2005-09-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

New Orleans is under water.
There is a hero in all of this.
Meet Mr. Ray Nagin Mayor of New Orleans.

Quote, (NEW ORLEANS -- Anxious and frightened, the citizens had the mayor of New Orleans surrounded. They wanted reassurance, answers, and a firm date when normal lives could be resumed.
Ray Nagin wouldn't give it to them. He listened calmly, not trying to escape the hotel corridor. But there was no sugarcoating. You need to listen very carefully," Nagin told them. "For the next two or three months, in this area, there will not be any commerce, at all. No electricity, no restaurants. This is the real deal. It's not living conditions.")

He is doing a great job of mayoring the city according to the Washington Post.
There might be some real opportunity for baby sitters in New Orleans.
To baby sit the adults.

According to the Boston Globe, scientists in all of their minuscule wisdom have found that the difference between people and chimps is ten times less than the difference between rats and mice. They say four percent of our DNA is different from the chimp’s DNA.

The Boston Globe better go back to throwing bags of tea overboard.

Scientist1: “Let’s study the difference in rats and mice.”
Scientist2: “Rats are bigger, nastier, and occasionally smoke, and ride motorcycles.”
Scientist1: “Rats are given to cannibalism.”
Scientist2: “Mice can be cute and are prone to dying right next to boxes of poison.
Scientist1: “They both have babies like an M an M factory.”

I live in a house, drive a car, go to work, destroy bologna sandwiches and have one wife.
They say the only difference between me and a chimp is four measly DNA percents.
Chimps are adulterous; they sit and scream a lot, and really can’t do much of anything.

DNA must be important.
Four DNA percents? What is the difference between killer whales and platypuses? Maybe like, two DNA percents?
Like I have said before, and I’ll say it again; all the scientists should be rounded up and forced to join the Amish.
That would teach them.

A Dutch reality show contestant is pregnant. The show managers want her to give birth on live television.
The pregnant mother wants to do it too.
So what’s the holdup?
The Dutch government has not issued a work license to the unborn baby yet.
What if they just go ahead with the show?
Will they cuff him and throw him in jail as soon as he’s born.

117! Dogs IQ's are like 5 or 6.

2005-08-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

Quote (More than 600 people were killed today when a crowd of Shia Muslims stampeded off a bridge over the River Tigris in Baghdad, apparently panicked by a rumor that a suicide bomber was preparing to blow himself up.)
Sad.

Quote (Rescue crews in Hurricane Katrina-stricken southern US areas are racing to reach survivors as officials warned that flood waters would rise, with hundreds of people feared dead.)

It goes on to say that at least eighty percent of New Orleans is under water.
According to popular news anchor, The American Inquirer, (slogan, Anchoring News For Like, Fifteen Seconds)
Quote (people are angry about the flood, when interviewed, local resident, Sebastian Inez, said, “The problem with America is that nobody does anything about protecting our shore line! Our houses are being inhabited by parrot fish. Our cars belong to the Halibut. We have sharks in our basement!” New Orleans governor Kathleen Blanco, said, “We will be ok.” Then she also said, “People keep goldfish in jars, what’s wrong with a few tiger sharks in the basement?”)

I may have made that up.

According to IOL, slogan, which I am not making up, Proudly Searching Only South Africa,
quote (Apple Computer is set to expand its hit line of music players with an iPod phone that it will launch next week in conjunction with Motorola, American press reports said on Tuesday.
The new device will initially allow people to transfer songs from their personal computers to their mobile phones and listen to them via headphones.)
That’s cool.
What could be better than an Ipod on my cell phone?
I already have a camera, a video camera, an email thing, a web browser, a few games, an instant messaging thing, and oh yeah, I almost forgot this one, I can also talk to other people with it like a telephone except without wires!
At the rate they are going, you can expect them to be installing space shuttles in cell phones by the year twenty twelve.

George Clooney is building a casino in Las Vegas. Quote, (A collaboration of international developers, designers and architects plan to introduce what they call the next evolution in urban lifestyle to Las Vegas with a $3 billion hotel and condominium ... )
George Clooney was the pediatrics doctor in the TV series ER.

I took the Super IQ test at www.web.tickle.com. They said I have an IQ of about 117.
What do they know?
I don’t know, my IQ is only 117.
Ask somebody with an IQ of like, 125.
I think I’ll sue them for ruining my life!

Styrofoam, Coffee, Stump Legged Pirate

2005-08-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

I’m back from camping.
I want to thank Lin for stepping in for me and making sure that the American society as we know it, won’t have to go blogless for a whole weekend. One of the points I most appreciate about her blogs, was the times she did not make reference to me as, wanting to come home, as a sewer rat, or, as drenched, or dragging my gear!
Lin is one of those people who have the rare ability of taking something you gave her and slamming you with it. I give her my blog for the weekend and she calls me a sewer rat. If I would give her my van she would probably try to run over me.
“Hey Lin, here, can you hold my gun for me, while I climb over this fence?”

The most intelligent thing she wrote was when she said Quote, (Coffee is a good source of antioxidants.)
There are some things such as, water, food, coffee, and oxygen, that are very good things to have.
Coffee is in a class all by itself.

If I was going to be stranded on an island by a bunch of ragtag, bad teeth, stump legged pirates, I would pack coffee!
“Let’s see, do I have everything? I have emergency food. I have matches. I have a knife. Wait! I don’t have my cell phone!”
“Whoa, I can’t carry my cell phone and the coffee!”
“I think I’ll take the coffee.”

Coffee should not be drunk from a Styrofoam cup.
People that drink coffee from Styrofoam cups should be forced to pay three times the usual income tax rate.
When you go to Wal-mart, the checkout person should have to ask you, “Porcelain cup or styrofoam?” So they can tell which tax to ring up.
People that drink coffee from a glass cup or (shudder) a glass, should be sentenced to a chain gang for a minimum of three weeks.

Thanks Lin, great job!

Hurricane Katrina, is shredding her way across the southern U.S.
Experts say she may be the worse storm in recorded history.
There are flood warnings out until tomorrow evening.
That just goes to show how intellectually challenged some of the experts are.
Last time I checked, hurricane Katrina was not expected to cover Mount Everest with forty feet of water!
Last time I listened to the weatherman, he didn’t say it would rain for forty days and forty nights!
What I really want to know is, how they figured out that the hurricane Katrina was a her.
Did they send out a plane to check?

Hurricane Expert: “We have a little hurricane headed this way!
Naming Department: “What should we call the thing?”
Hurricane Expert: “We have a plane on the way.”
Pilot With PhD. In Hurricane Anatomy: “Stand by for important announcement.”
Naming Department: “Go ahead.”
Pilot With PhD. In Hurricane Anatomy: (moments later) “It’s a she!”

I guess I’m just not smart enough to know how to tell the difference between a bull thunderstorm and a cow thunderstorm.

Today Is A National Holiday!

2005-08-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today is, National Do Not Write Your Blog Until Tonight, day. I wonder if the postal service runs today?

2005-08-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ya, you meant to say award winning,three time off bike falling,Lin. Didn't you? Playing chess, writing symphonies,on the computer all day, Ron, is not going to write in this blog and you knew it.

Me will be back on monday doing this again so hang in one more day with me.The rain stopped and they did not come home like sewer rats after all.Maybe they even had a little fun.

Hurricane Katrina was upgraded to the maximum category 5, prompting parts of Louisiana to issued forced evacuation orders.Only three category five storms have made U.S. landfall since records began: The Labor Day hurricane of 1935, Hurricane Camille in 1969, and Hurricane Andrew in 1992. Andrew, which hit southern Miami-Dade county in August that year, caused $26.5 billion of losses, the costliest hurricane on record.

Rapper Marion 'Suge' Knight was shot.

A lawsuit has been filed against nine fast food giants. Evidently the prosecuter thinks the companys should label their french fries and potatoe chips as containing a toxic chemical when they actually do contain a toxic chemical even if its in small quantities!

Coffea is a good source of antioxidants.

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2005-08-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

I am camping! What is more insane than leaving my computer, my soft bed, and my air conditioner, to go out in the wilderness and sleep on the rock hard ground. Nevertheless here I am. Sitting here in my chair by the campfire taking it easy, while the rest of the world has to worry about work, going shopping, feeding the dog, etc. etc. Until I get home, award winning, three time off their bike falling, Ron and Lin will be writing my blog!

Old Crusty and Me

2005-08-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday brilliant scientists and seismologists decided the earth's crust (Who wants to live on a crust? Like we're ants or really really poor) actually rotates faster than the earth's surface. Researchers had trouble believing that since 1996 when evidence was first presented,believing the data supporting it was flawed. Computer simulations have showen that the core spins faster than the crust by 0.3 to 0.5 degree per year. The magnetic field generated in the outer core diffuses into the inner core, making an electric currant. The interaction of the electric currant with the magnetic field causes the inner core to spin. "Extraordinary claims require extreordinary proof,"says Xiaodong Song,geology professor of Illinios,"There is still much to learn about inner earth." Me, I'm so glad they got it figured out.

What if the world actually doesn't spin? But I am the tiny control knob on a gigantic globe, I am in command and the world revolves around me. I climb into my new minicooper, step on the gas, and the wheels turn the world in the direction I want to go. No more drinking under the influence. (Slurp,slurp,slurp. Burp. Slurp,slurp,slurp. Brrrrrm, brrrrrm,BRRRRRRRRM! Screech,BRRRRRRM,screech,BRRRRRRM,SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH. Oh no! Here comes the Atlantic.Then hurricanes would be as everday as eating.

Katrina has killed 7 people,altho 1 person was not storm related authorities later discovered. This being the 6th to hit Florida this year. A catagory 2 hurricane with 100 mph winds. People are being disgusted and sick of avocadoes hitting there structures, collapsing overpasses, severe flooding, and wind coming at them from 2 directions. At a 12 unit apartment, Beverly Johnson,41,and her 7yr old son used pots to hold all the water after their roof caved in. "We were really shaken up"she said. Katrina is poised to wreak another wave of havoc on Monday anywhere from New Orleans to Florida's Big Bend region. As she goes over the warm waters of the gulf she will become a catagory 3 or 4 hurricane.

After camping for 1.5 whole night and 1 day in the pouring rain I am ready to drag myself home like a drenched sewer rat,all of my gear in tow,tail between my legs,whimpering. What was I thinking I said,going camping? After all who wants to look at the stars with a pebble under your back and a mosquito in your ear? Who wants to roast marshmallows with rain dripping down your nose?

This is Me writing for me,who went camping,and that is why Me is writing for you...

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FW:

2005-08-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

This is a test. This is only a test of the new mobile blog feature. Do not be alarmed and do not do anything rash. This is only a test. Whatever you do don't put a dirty sock in your mouth!

The French Flag, War Protesters, Pink Flamingos

2005-08-25T04:21:00.000-07:00

Quote, (An anti-Cindy Sheehan caravan motored into San Diego yesterday on its way to Crawford, Texas, stopping long enough for supporters of the war in Iraq to rally at a local radio station and square off in a shout-fest with war protesters.)

A bunch of people are against the war and a bunch of people are for the war.

What could be more helpful than a herd of fat, ready to go to market, men and women, driving across the country, stopping only to eat and sleep and yell at antiwar protesters?
What are the chances of a anti war protester, going about his business, maybe mowing his yard, when all of a sudden a caravan of hungry, sleep deprived war supporters stop and yell at him.
That should change his mind.
A bunch of maniacs yelling in your face!
I’m sure his testimony will be, “I was out riding my lawn mower, making sure to cut all the dandelions there by the pink flamingos, when all of a sudden these people started yelling at me. I saw their logic and converted to being a war supporter!”
What?
Does he just run the lawnmower right over the pink flamingos now?

I have never had AOL internet service.
I have however put one of their cds into my computer. I still have garbage left from the cd.
Who hasn’t seen those free cds that AOL hands out at Wal-mart and sends in the mail too?
I think AOL has some kind of technology that when one of their cds comes within ten feet of a computer, it automatically installs itself.
AOL has a very strong marketing policy, which is another way of saying, all though the customer may say he doesn’t want it, he wants it. The customers have a tendency to not realize that they do want it, in spite of their not wanting it.
AOL is in trouble for their policy quote, (For exasperated customers who have tried to cancel a service to no avail, an explanation may be at hand. A settlement reached yesterday with America Online established that some sales representatives receive bonuses to keep consumers from leaving.)
Sales reps get paid for not letting you close your account.

Armstrong has been accused by some French guy of using steroids.
Quote, (Lance Armstrong responded Wednesday to comments from Tour De France boss Jean-Marie Leblanc that suggest the seven-time champion "fooled" race officials and the sporting world by doping. "To say that I've fooled the fans is preposterous. I've been doing this a long time. We have not just one year of only 'B' samples; we have seven years of 'A' and 'B' samples. They've all been negative.")

The French hate Armstrong.
They tested him over and over during the Tour De France.
("To say that I've fooled the fans is preposterous. I've been doing this a long time. We have not just one year of only 'B' samples; we have seven years of 'A' and 'B' samples. They've all been negative.")
Some French guy called Leblanc, (The name Leblanc, may or may not mean, The Blank, in French.) he found some frozen urine sample in a lab and found some kind of dope in it.

Hey you, Blank guy, did you thaw it out before of after you dumped in the dope?

Not to worry! All we have to do is make a sudden motion at France and they will be pulling down their flag and sending up the white one.
France should just use a white rag for a flag.
That way they could just leave the thing up when they want to surrender!

Here Is The Solution To High Gas Prices!

2005-08-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

According to popular news anchor Seattle Times, slogan, Not Falling Into The Pacific For Seventy Five Years,
Quote, (The Bush administration called for higher fuel-economy standards for SUVs,)

What? What’s wrong with getting six miles to the gallon?
The environmentalists say that the bill that the pres. proposed doesn’t go far enough to stop the gas guzzlers.

According to the Miami Herald,
Quote, (The rate of obesity continues to climb in Florida and around the country, a new health report found.)
People are getting fat.
No wonder the SUVs only get six miles to the gallon. They have to haul us, all our luggage, our old banana peels, and our thighs around.
The Bush administration needs to propose setting weight limits on fat people.

Police Officer: “Give me your license and registration please.”
Motorist: “But I was only driving twenty five in a thirty five!”
Police Officer: “How much do you weigh?”
Motorist: “Three hundred twenty.”
Police Officer: “I am going to have to write you up for being eighty pounds over weight. Next time try to keep it under two forty. You only have two points left on your license, if you drive fat one more time we will have to shoot you. ”

Maybe a weight limit on people is not such a good idea.
We could always have a law that requires large people to ride on little eighteen wheelers. With an oversize load escort.

I am going to stop this subject before some random fat person finds where I live and comes and chocolate fudges my house or something!

Google is coming out with a new cool product.
Quote (As widely rumored this week, Google has launched a beta version of its first 'communications' product GoogleTalk, a combined instant messaging and VoIP service.)

I have the new Google desktop search bar and it’s really cool.
Get it at www.Google.com

Crickets, Google, Lemurs... No Not Lemurs

2005-08-23T03:49:00.000-07:00

There is a cricket in my house.
He’s singing his song at a minimum of ninety decibels.
I don’t mind crickets outside the house.
If five thousand crickets want to get together and start their own little alternative Christian band, that’s fine with me.
Just don’t do it to near my house.
I am debating whether or not to find the one inside my house and putting him to death.
On the other hand, I’m going camping this weekend, I may just find him and keep him for fish bait!
I don’t feel like murdering something this morning.
What is worse than having to murder your murders first thing in the morning? If you need to go out and murder something, at least eat a hearty breakfast and have a cup of coffee before you go.

Scientists say that crickets sing the temperature.
Scientists say a lot of things, such as, the sun will burn up in five billion years, or, California is falling into the pacific ocean, or, there are little livestock things that live in people’s eyebrows and they come out to feed at night.
I think the scientists also put out the National Enquirer.

When I went looking for that cricket, he stopped singing and hid himself.
Now he is singing cautiously, a few notes at a time.

According to popular news anchor, Pc Pro, slogan, Computing In The Real World, Google is putting out a new desktop search thing.
Quote,
(Search engine king, Google has introduced a new version of its Desktop Search tool. The new version combines the indexing features of the earlier version with a new sidebar offering instant access to a number of features, including instant access to Gmail files, news headlines, recently accessed web pages and, almost inevitably, the weather and share information - at least for the US.)

Now we have Google on cell phones, on the internet, and on the desktop.
Now if they can only make it so that I can search my house for things like car keys, TV remotes, pacifiers, or crickets jamming out the temperature at ninety decibels, we’ll be all set.

N.S.O.T.E.S.

2005-08-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

The Rolling Stones were having a concert Sunday night. They were singing Brown Sugar, when women started falling from the rafters.
Quote, (A woman attending the Rolling Stones concert at Fenway Park Sunday night was injured when she fell from the rafters before rescuers could reach her, authorities said.)

It goes on to say that the woman climbed into the rafters and walked around, laughing and swaying to the music.
When the song, Brown Sugar began, she started to climb down.
Police were tracking her movements, when she fell thirty five to forty feet to the ground.
She was severely injured and was taken by ambulance to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. The nature of her injuries and her condition were not immediately available.

There is no word on whether she landed on her feet like a cat, whether she turned any flips, or whether she came down like a meteorite and made a crater.

That’s the problem here in America; the reporters ask all the wrong questions, such as, what was she doing in the rafters, how bad was she injured, what were the band singing!

What we, the comedy starved people of America want to know is, did she land on her head, was she kicking her arms and legs like she was trying to go some place other then down, or was she trying to use an umbrella for a parachute.
Don’t get me wrong, it is really sad that she fell. My condolences to her family, friends, and her five gerbils.
But wouldn’t it be cool if reporters would run up and ask questions such as, was it funny when it happened, or wasn’t there anything funny about it.

I am sure used car salesmen would advocate this,
That way they would come up a notch over the reporters in the N.S.O.T.E.S. (National Scum Of The Earth Society)

Thin Pizza and Kraft Foods Roller System

2005-08-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

I bought five pizzas at a local grocery which shall remain anonymous, and the fact that its name is not, Lose A Little, has nothing to do with any of the five pizzas.
Never buy pizza at a grocery that claims they can Save you A Lot of money. Especially not if the pizzas are like, paper thin.
My five pizzas were so thin, if they made them any thinner I could run them through the printer and print some pepperonis on them.
For that matter, why don’t I just print the whole pizzas out of the printer?
The grocery which is not called Worth A Lot, could save a lot of money if they would just fax the pizzas to me instead of packaging the pizzas in individual boxes. Or they could put like, seventeen pizzas in one box.

Did you hear about case in Ianiaca, a local tarter sauce company has to sour the products that they use to make the tarter sauce. They have a bad fly problem and the vats usually end up loaded with maggots by the time they are ready to package the tartar sauce. They have roller system setup to squeeze the finished tarter sauce, to take out all the chunks, maggots, ect. ect.
Apparently the maggots haven’t eaten anything but the tarter sauce and so are considered sterile. After they go through the rollers they are undetectable in the finished product.
The FDA is putting pressure on Kraft, to switch suppliers or stop selling the tartar sauce.
Kraft foods is repealing the FDA's ruling.

I may have made that up…

American Safari?!! I Hope Not!

2005-08-18T04:27:00.000-07:00

What is better than the concrete jungles of the inner city?
Maybe, like, the real jungles of Africa.
What is better than the wild animals in Africa?
Maybe, those wild animals such a lions, tigers, hyenas, wildebeests, and elephants, right here in America.
Loose.
Like the antelope.
Perhaps soon!
According to some nut burgers in the publication, Nature, quote, (If a group of US researchers have their way, lions, cheetahs, elephants and camels could soon roam parts of North America, Nature magazine reports)
What could be better than taking a road trip out west and ending up as Purina One brand Lion Chow?
Already if you go out west you have to worry about things like, hitting grizzly bears with your car, having a break down far out in nowhere where nobody ever goes, or finding a rest stop within eighty miles.
Now we can also worry that our little weekend trips might include inconvenient incidents like, hitting elephants with your car, being attacked by hyenas, or being trampled by a herd of wildebeests.
I don’t think it is a good idea to render Arizona, Montana, and Utah, only safe for angry shotgun wielding maniacs driving dump trucks.
Let’s see, we want to go camping this weekend. That includes like, not going into Jurassic Park. I can already imagine me and the family, crammed into a dump truck, headed for Santa Barbara. I guess we could haul a load of rocks or something back and make a little cash.
Personally I don’t think Kentucky, slogan, Unbridled Spirit, is far enough away from wherever they want to release the wild African animals!
They can release some of those deer with the curled horns, but that’s all.
Releasing wild African safari animals in the west is like taking American society as we know it and kicking it in the groin!

Electricians

2005-08-17T04:26:00.000-07:00

Madonna fell off a horse and broke three ribs, her collar bone, and her hand.
She flew to England from Los Angeles to celebrate her birthday. She went riding on a new horse and fell off the thing.
“Hey Madonna, Yeah you, Did you catch the mouse or not?”

Falling off of horses is not the only reason to not go to London. It seems that when they don’t catch their terror suspects right away, they like to go out and shoot electricians.
Quote, (The Brazilian electrician mistakenly shot dead by anti-terrorist police in the London subway didn't flee or act suspiciously as initially reported by police, a leaked internal report says.)
Reportedly the police saw him running to catch a carriage and said he was a terrorist. One police ran up and hugged him so he couldn’t flee and then another police shot him in the head three times.

Media: “How is your search for the terror suspects going?”
London Police: “Well currently we have found twelve electricians, but we are considering going after plumbers as well!”

Two federal agencies quote, (Skyrocketing oil and gasoline prices are sending inflation shock waves through the U.S. economy, driving consumer prices up sharply in July and slowing industrial output, two federal agencies reported yesterday.)
“Hey, federal Agencies, yeah you, Thanks for the comprehensive analysis!” “We had no idea!”

Batteries, Ibooks, Aspirin, Folding Chairs

2005-08-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong with my tongue.
It hurts a little to the left of the tip.
Yesterday at work it I felt a little bump on it. Thinking that it might be a sore of some kind, I bit the sore spot until it started to bleed. Then I held an aspirin against it till it went numb.
Now today it just inexplicably started hurting.

What will the next generation of battery consist of? Quote; (Scientists have developed a way to turn pee into electricity. And there's plenty where that came from, they point out.)
A pee powered battery.
This could revolutionize the term, “hang on I need to recharge my battery.”

Man 1: “My cell phone battery is dead!”
Woman 1: “Have you been to the doctor?”
Man 2: “Don’t look at me! It’s your cell phone!”

Ok somebody change the subject!

(A rush to purchase $50 used laptops has turned into a violent stampede, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.)
A school Richmond Virginia, home of the missing flip flop, yesterday sold one thousand Ibook laptops for fifty dollars.
More than five thousand people showed up and started stampeding and throwing each other to the ground and slamming each other with folding chairs and nearly running over each other with their cars. One little girl’s stroller was crushed in the stampede and those who had to go to the bathroom, just did it in their pants.

Quote, (People threw themselves forward, screaming and pushing each other. A little girl's stroller was crushed in the stampede. Witnesses said an elderly man was thrown to the pavement, and someone in a car tried to drive his way through the crowd.)

All this for a four year old Apple laptop.
Four years in laptop years is like eighty human years.
Eighty year old laptops with no teeth, bad habits, wearing depends.
Do I want to get foldingchaired over a Noah‘s Ark laptop. Ah, I think I’ll pass this time.

According to the Financial Express, slogan, The Search For The Missing Flip Flop Must Go On.
Quote, ( This is total, total chaos," said Latoya Jones, 19, who lost one of her flip-flops in the ordeal and later limped around on the sizzling asphalt pavement with one foot bare.)

If I Want It, I Want To Have It.

2005-08-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

My wife made a cherry pie last night.
The cherry pie keeps blushing and blinking its eyes at me.
My wife said "No, you can’t taste it."
“Just a little bit off the top?”
Cherry pie said, “Sure, I will marry you!”
Wife said, “No.”
I took a few pinches of the top anyway.
Cherry pie started getting excited.
Wife said, “Stop it already.”
What we have here is a lack of communication.
It is wrong to grill, or cook, or stomp, something and not be allowed to taste it.
If I am grilling, large juicy hamburgers with the juice dripping down into the fire, covered in salt and pepper. I will eat as much as I want. Right off of the grill. While they are still hot.
I have a personal policy that requires me to eat them if I want too.

The bible says, “Thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treads out the corn.”

Translation; Thou shalt not hold thyself back if thou art grilling, or if thy wife, or thy children, or thy neighbor, or the stranger thou seest on the way to Wal-mart is grilling.”
Ok Ok,
So it is not exactly talking about the grandpa you see beside the road, on the way to Wal-mart.
I still say that if you can sneak the meat off of his grill, it might be stealing only slightly. But not very much. Not as bad as taking the pen and the coffee at Holiday Inn.
You could probably do it and just get off with a warning.

That’s the problem here in America. People are all the time making stuff and then not letting anybody have it.
Go to a store and ask them, “Can I have this thing?”
They will say, “Sure, for X amount of dollars you can have the thing.”
Then you say, “But I don’t have X amount of dollars! Can I just sort of have it?”
Them, “No, you can‘t just sort of have it.”
You, “No?”
Them, “Are you threatening me?”
You, “Thou shalt not muzzle the mouth of the ox that treads out the corn.”
Them, “Are you calling me an ox?”
You, “No, the bible says you need to let me have this.”
Them, (mutters under their breath.)
You, “I have a personal policy, for me to just have the thing.”
Them, “I am going to call the police!”
You, “Ox!”

Life would be so much simpler if people would let each other have what ever they wanted.

You could just go up to anybody and ask, “Can I have your Gucci hand bag, can I have your Rolex, can I have your savage dog. They would have to say, “Sure, here let me get you my keys to my Lamborghini too!”

Here Is The Reply To My Comment Letter To The Hidden Valley Ranch Company!!!

2005-08-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

(Names and numbers have been changed to protect the innocent)
Innocent?
What?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

August 12, 2005

Mr. My Name
5555 My Road Rd
Guthrie, KY 42234-9137

Reference Number: 55555555

Dear Mr. Myname,
Thank you for contacting us about HV Full Cal Bottled Salad Dressing - White Cheddar Ranch. We always appreciate hearing from our consumers.
We will forward on your comments to the Marketing Department. We certainly hope you will continue to use and have confidence in our products.
Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
Sandra Bullock
Consumer Response Representative
Consumer Services

Letter of Concern To The Hidden Valley Ranch Company

2005-08-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

(I sent the following letter to the Hidden Valley Ranch Company's comment department.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Buttermilk Ranch;
I am very happy with the bottle of Ranch I recently bought at Wal-mart. I am especially fond of the Buttermilk Ranch. I like to fry chicken pieces and dip them into the Buttermilk Ranch along with some hot sauce. It makes my mouth water just writing this.
The reason I am writing this is to complain about the name Ranch.
It is not politically correct to be telling people to leave their jobs, move to New Mexico and buy a very large farm and herd cows.
Much as I would like to obey what the bottle of salad dressing tells me, I am simply not able to do that. I am very happy with my current occupation.
What if a person in a wheelchair reads the bottle of Ranch, and attempts to ride a horse by wheelchair.
Horses are not wheelchair accessible and a disabled person could be severely injured or killed if he or she attempted it.
We as a people in America need to be careful what we say and do so as not to influence intellectually challenged e people to do idiotic things.
Not so Seriously,
http://keyboardonfire.blogspot.com/

P.S. I don’t want to ranch a ranch. I am happy just doing the work I do. I have bullophobia and I don’t want to be a cattle farmer!

Lemurs, Otters, Discovery

2005-08-10T04:28:00.000-07:00

The space shuttle Discovery is safe on the ground at last. However NASA wants to put the Discovery out to grass. It has too many miles on it too fly it safely anymore. The shuttle was one of five built in 1971, of which NASA has lost two, one on entry and the other on takeoff.
What can they do with the old dead shuttles? They can’t exactly sell them to any rip them off space shuttle dealers.
There just isn’t much of a market for used space shuttles.

Scientists in Madagascar have found two new kinds of Lemur.
Lemurs in the wild are found only in Madagascar.
This is not a joke, some primatologists were primatologising in Madagascar, where else, when they studied the giant mouse lemur and found the new brands of lemur.
Lemurs are hilarious.
Quote, (Mirza zaza is nocturnal and the size of a gray squirrel weighing about 10 ounces (300 grams). It has a long bushy tail, relatively small ears and large testes, which are suggestive of a promiscuous mating system.)

The second variety of lemur, quote, (The genetic analyses to determine the taxonomic status of the two Mirza populations unexpectedly revealed the existence of a new species of mouse lemur, Microcebus lehilahytsara. Earlier this year, Robert Zingg and Samuel Führer brought nine living individuals from Andasibe to Zoo Zürich in Switzerland, where additional morphometric and genetic analyses confirmed their separate taxonomic status.)
What does it say?
I think it is saying that they studied the lemurs to see if there was a chance of taxing lemurs that ride the Microcebus. (Possibly a kind of transportation) Two dudes brought nine lemurs to Switzerland and found that the animals were metric and could change and somehow this affects their taxable status.
All lemurologists should have their funding removed and they should be forced to join the Amish.
The Alaskan sea otter is being threatened.
Quote (Federal officials yesterday designated the southwest Alaska sea otter -- a species that teetered on the edge of extinction in the late 1800s -- as threatened under the Endangered Species Act, alarmed that its numbers have dipped sharply over the past 15 years.)
Alaskan sea otters!
Threatened?
Stop pointing a gun at them, no wonder they feel threatened.
Possibly the Alaskanseaotterologist was driving on a little gravel road some where thirty miles south of Anchorage and an otter ran across the road.
Wasn’t the otter threatened?
See!
It says the otter teetered on the edge of extinction. I suggest we find them and kick them over the edge.
What are Alaskan sea otters good for?
They aren’t good to eat, that can’t fetch the mail, they like to run across roads south of Anchorage, they must be very expensive to get insurance on.
All they can do is go ottering all over Alaska.

And He Begat Alvin, And Alvin Begat...

2005-08-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

The presidential candidates for 2008 are getting their war machines out.
Their mud slingers, their eye gougers, their spies, their hate factories, their cantaloupe cannons.
The Republican Party has a new candidate;
Quote, (Hard-charging prosecutor Jeanine Pirro announced plans yesterday to run against U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton and wasted no time baring her claws - accusing the former First Lady of using New York to pave her return to the White House.)

Jeanine Pirro; she wants to be president in 2008.
(Will that be Mrs. President or Miss. President? It seems weird!)
What is more exciting than watching two women fighting over the presidency like two wildebeests in a barrel? All the name calling, the hate, the bitterness; I just want to hibernate until it is all over.
I suggest we build a large, deep, bomb shelter, and just sit it out until the 2008 presidential elections are past.
Maybe we could ship both candidates to Cuba, that way they could conquer that country and settle their own differences, without disturbing us Americans.

The space shuttle Discovery is coming home today.
It plans to land in California.
Apparently two of the astronauts are from California and the one in the tin foil suit said, “Oh, by the way, could we swing by California on the way down, I told the wife I would go shopping with her tonight.”
The astronaut from Japan said, “Dude, I’m from Japan, I vant to go home too.”
The dude replied, “Ok, fine, we’ll just throw you out the window when we go over Japan, shut up, besides my wife is bigger than your wife.”
At this point the Japanese astronaut burst into tears.

It is nice to know that those guys all get along so well together.

Bush has signed a new energy bill in to law yesterday.
The bill which is 1,745 pages long and, I am sure, nobody has ever actually read, (they probably just glued a few freundshaft [genealogy] books together and told the president it was the new energy bill!) gives $3400 in tax credit to anyone who drives a hybrid car.
It also demands greater use of ethanol, sets daylight savings time to be a few weeks longer, and may encourage homeowners to purchase the new caffeine addicted, Red Bull drinking, steroid needling version of hamster that the State Department in all it’s nanonic wisdom has developed.
That is good.
Now if I was president, I would tell the scientist to come up with a way to fuel a car with nothing. I want to never have to put anything in it. I want it to just miraculously go when I push the foot pedal. It has to be completely silent too.
They have one month to get it done; after one month with no results, we throw them in the lions den. (No, we put them on an island with Hillary and Pirro!) And then break out a fresh batch of scientists, until the job gets done.

One Fish, Two Fish,

2005-08-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

The space shuttle Discovery is coming home tonight or possibly tomorrow.
The North Atlantic Right whale is nearing extinction. According to whaleoligist, Jonah Indafish, there are only three hundred and fifty Right whales left in the ocean.
Dear Jonah;
We were just wondering how you can tell that it is a right whale. Do you have them sit down and take a quiz? What does it matter if the fish are a little off on their philosophies?
Out of those ten thousand whales you interviewed, were there really only three hundred and fifty of them who actually had a creationist view point. Did you tell the other whales that they were wrong? You know rather than spend millions of dollars preserving the right whales, why don’t we send out a few killer whales with bibles to convert the wrong whales.
Wondering,
Mike in Kansas

Italian scientists have discovered that nearly ten pounds of coke, (cocaine) flows into Italy’s Po River every day. This discovery may have been made after fishermen reported seeing fish snorting a white substance.
John Delia, a local fisherman claims he saw a three foot long carp taking a brown paper bag from a local crack head. Police are very concerned about this underwater black market that may be operating in the Po River. The scientists say this is four times as much crack being used in Italy as had been previously thought.

Quote,
(LAGOS, Nigeria -- Day in, day out, a strapping, amiable 24-year-old who calls himself Kele B. heads to an internet cafe, hunkers down at a computer and casts his net upon the cyber-waters.)
The bible does say that we should be fishers of men.
(Blithely oblivious to signs on the walls and desks warning of the penalties for internet fraud, he has sent out tens of thousands of e-mails telling recipients they have won about $6.4 million in a bogus British government "internet lottery.")
Ok…
(So far, Kele says, he has had only one response. But he claims it paid off handsomely. An American took the bait, he says, and coughed up "fees" and "taxes" of more than $5,000, never to hear from Kele again.)
Uhhh…
(In Festac Town, an entire community of scammers overnights on the internet. By day they flaunt their smart clothes and cars and hang around the internet cafes, trading stories about successful cons and near misses, and hatching new plots.)
Trading stories?!?
(Elekwa, a chubby-faced 28-year-old who also keeps his surname to himself, shows up in Festac Town driving a Lexus and telling how he was jobless for two years despite having a diploma in computer science.
His break came four years ago when the chief of a fraud gang saw him solve what seemed like "a complex computer problem" at a business center in the southeastern city of Umuahia and lured him to Lagos.
He won't talk about his scams, only about their fruits: "Now I have three cars, I have two houses and I'm not looking for a job anymore.")

Fishers of men!!!

News Update!!!

2005-08-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

Quote,
(AN American high school football coach has been reprimanded for licking the bleeding wounds of his student athletes)
There is an old fable about dogs licking the wounds of people. If the dog’s tongue is white it will make the wound heal, but if the dog’s tongue is black, it means that he has been dead for more than seventy two hours!
Actually, a black tongue is supposed to mean that licking your wound won’t help to heal it.
Apparently this football coach considers himself to be some kind of canine.
He has been reprimanded and placed on two years probation.
May I suggest a one way ticket to Thailand?!?

In other news, the FCC. Has eased regulation of DSL lines.
This is very exciting news!
At least I think it would be if I had a clue what it is that the FCC eased.
DSL lines?
That wouldn’t be, like, DSL lines would it?
What are DSL lines?
What does DSL mean?
Department of Selfish Liars?
District of String Lumpers?
Maybe, Depressed Seafood Lovers?
What does the FCC know about shrimp and hush puppies?
It is good to know that the FCC has eased the regulations.
Maybe they said there could be a line of thirty people outside Captain Ds instead of only twenty eight.

In other news, quote,
(Iran on Saturday rejected the European Union's offer of incentives in return for a suspension of its nuclear fuel work, paving the way for a confrontation that could lead to U.N. sanctions against the Islamic Republic)

Translation: The European Union in all its molecular wisdom, offered to reward Iran to not develop nuclear.
Iran said, “No thanks.”
The EU said, “The U.N. is going to sanction you.”
Iran replied, “Sanction? Let them sanction! The U.N. couldn‘t sanction its way out of a paper bag!”

Bullriding

2005-08-05T04:32:00.000-07:00

Is bull riding a sport?
What, are you crazy?
There is baseball, or, hockey, or, fishing, or, golf, and then there is bull riding.
Bull riding is one of those things that only someone out of his mind would consider.
How could anybody ever come up with the idea of jumping on the back of two thousand pounds of prime sirloin, and see if they could ride it for eight seconds and then fall off, or flip off, whatever off seems to happen.
It is the getting off part that gets me; I hurt when I fall over, I just don’t care much for being flung in the air and landing on my head.
Last time I checked, I didn’t wake up thinking, “what could be better than getting jerked around like a hamster in a clothes dryer for eight seconds, then falling off of a one story building and ramming the ground with my head.”
Who invented this sport? They had to have been drunk, with nothing left to live for.
Maybe one nut was sitting in the cowboy house drinking and all the other cowboys went out to ranch the ranch. Maybe there was no horse left for him so he couldn’t help with the ranching.
So he is sitting there and after a few beers he comes up with the idea of saddling up the bull. Wouldn’t the other cowboys laugh if he would come riding out there on the bull?
So he gets on the bull right about the time the dudes are coming in for a coffee break.
The bull slams him around and the other cowboys laugh, splint his broken arm, and go have a few beers and bull riding is born.

What could be more exciting than riding a cow that wants to kill you?
A horse generally will not turn around and try to gore you with its ears when you fall off.

What I want to see is regular people riding a bull. I would pay big money to see a lawyer in a three piece suit, getting on the bull. What could be better than seeing an injury lawyer slamming the ground with his melon? How about a politician; we need to make a law that says, all political figures including Donald Trump and Condaleeza Rice, have to ride a bull once every year to renew their politicioning license.
Condaleeza Rice is a great woman and I have only a deep respect for her, but what could be funnier than seeing her hold down a bull in high heels.
I can just see Donald Trump, yelling at the bull, “you are fired, you are fired,” right before the bull, gets mad and fires him at the ground.
Anybody that makes a six figure income should be required to ride a bull once a year. It would keep their perspectives straight and stop a lot of b… er nonsense.
What about the old grandpa’s in a wheelchair in the nursing home?
We could just strap wheelchair and all on top of the bull!

"Come Here Fido, Daddy Wants To Put You On The Grill"

2005-08-04T04:32:00.000-07:00

According to popular news anchor, GoogleNews.com, (slogan: Anchoring News for like, Ten Years) the South Koreans have cloned a dog.
That’s right; they cloned an Afghan hound named Snuppy.
They say that they cloned Snuppy because they want to quote, (produce research animals, not domestic pets)
They want to use Snuppy to do research.
This is amazing; millions of honest, not working, dogs are hurled into eternity every year because they don’t get adopted.
I think they secretly plan to sell Snuppy and all the little future Snuppies, to Thailand. Thailanders like to eat man‘s best friend.
That’s why they called the new dog Snuppy.
Snuppy is the kind of name of something you would get out of a box.
Like this, “Honey can you bring me a box of man’s best friend in a box?”
That just doesn’t sound right.
What about, “Honey, can you bring me a box of Spot?”
Or, “Honey can you bring me a full box of Buster?”
These just don’t sound as good as this, “Honey, can you bring me another box of Snuppys?”
In the future we may see huge ship loads of snapping, snarling, same colored, everybody does the same thing, dogs, heading off across the water to a distant land, where the idea of a fourth of July weekend is slapping a few dog burgers on the grill.
Here in America we have Mexicans, Germans, Cubans, etcetera, etcetera.
I wonder if we have Thai Land people here in America.
If you are running a dog pound and the same people have adopted like three hundred dogs in the last six months, you might start wondering what they are doing with them!
I can honestly say that as I sit here typing, I can look at my dog, a miniature poodle and I do not have any desire to eat him. I don’t want to serve him up for dinner. If I ran out of food, I would rather catch and eat a few song birds than to start beating on Carter with my gums.
Eating dogs is just wrong; there are some things such as brushing your teeth, going to work, eating pineapple, or visiting friends that are right and good.
Then there are things like, cutting down a neighbors tree, committing adultery, eating dog, not cutting your grass, or working on Saturday, that are wrong.
You don’t cut down the neighbor’s trees in his front yard; just because the leaves blow over into your yard does not mean it is your tree.
Much as you hate it, you have to cut your grass.
Saturdays were made for things like hammocks, fishing, nothing, and computer games. Not for working. The police should arrest anybody that works on Saturday.
Eating dogs!
That must be like, only one small step away from cannibalism.

Typical Morning

2005-08-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

I wake up groggily with a steely taste in my mouth, the sun is already up, I lie there and debate; to rise, or to stay in bed until the last minute.
With a sigh I get up, longing for Saturday; I pull on my socks and stumble to the bathroom.
More out of habit than call of nature I go through the motions.
Meeting the dog in the hallway, I mutter his name and he punches my bare ankle with his cold wet nose.
In the kitchen the clock on the microwave glares at me accusingly; it doesn’t realize that it is still ten minutes ahead, because of a power outage.
I flee into the den; the computer is half asleep. Quiet, faithfull, waiting to think for me, to remember for me. Solid grandson of the blackboard.
Sinking into the waiting arms of my desk chair, I move the mouse and silently the computer jerks awake.
Bravely I open the word processor program, feeling a sense of panic as the blank page comes up and the cursor blinks expectantly, beckoning, ordering, threatening.
My fingers move over the keyboard, obeying my commands, like faithful men in battle, the words flow like electricity, out through the phalanges.
I call my wife, “time to get up,” a few minutes later she appears in the den, groggy, hair in a mess, looking really cute.
She talks and my thoughts start to swirl; “go out and do what you do” I say, “You make that I can not write.”
She moves to the kitchen to do what it is she does, I tilt back in my chair, every muscle completely relaxed, my fingers glitter over the keys and for a few minutes, time slows and I am happy.

No Lock On The Bathroom Door!

2005-08-02T04:27:00.000-07:00

Some things, such as one million dollars, a forty thousand dollar car, a six figure income, a daughter that some one wants to buy with livestock, are had by only a select few members of the human race.
There are other things that all humans need for basic survival; such as food, clothes, houses, locks on bathroom doors, mail boxes, or lawn mowers.
I have been amazed at the amount of houses out there that do not have locks on the bathroom doors.
Not having a lock on the bathroom door is like posting your annual income in the yellow pages.
I like to have my privacy.
I don’t want strangers to come into my house and go thru my desk.
I don’t want to get up in the mornings and see the neighbor in the kitchen going through my cupboards.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I shut the bathroom door, I want to lock it. I don’t want a choir of desperate people beating down the door.
I say we should sign a thing into law saying, every house in America has to have a simple lock and three deadbolts on the bathroom door.
And give special tax breaks to those whose doors are like the entrance to a bank vault.
Recently at a certain friend’s house, I had to take a shower; not only did the door not have a lock; it did not even have a door knob.
There was just this big hole where the door knob goes. I guess they were building the house and decided to stop building when they got to the door knob.
They probably finished the house, painted the walls, put in the carpet, then said, “We’ll come back in the morning and put in the bathroom door lock.” Of course they never did.
If you don’t have a knob, why bother with a door, as far as that goes, why even bother with making a bathroom in the first place. Why not just have the bathroom out in the yard. Why not just have a big pasture for people; then when they come home in the evenings they can just go out in the pasture, instead of into their houses.
Is the lock on the bathroom door really the thing that separates people from livestock?
Possibly!

To Eat or Not To Eat.

2005-08-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

Atkins Nutritional has filed for bankruptcy protection.
Remember the Atkins diet; everybody in America was supposedly watching their carbs.
I am sure to most of us Americans, the name Atkins brings back mixed emotions of eating meat, eggs, and various other carbohydrateless foods, and expecting to start going down like a flat tire.
And like most Americans, we found that since we didn’t get the body of a body builder in like, three days of eating low carb food; we immediately went back to our bread and potatoes. Stuffing our selves to make up for the two weeks that were lost, gaining more weight than ever.
There is a hot new thing out.
I would consider putting out an advertisement to sell this information.
All dieting methods come, hang around for a little while, and then leave like a stray dog, towing a kite tail of tin cans. Right?
That is what most Americans think whenever somebody mentions diet.
Americans are a, give me what I want right now, bunch.
As an American, I can testify that this is true.
I want to eat prime rib and lose thirty pounds, I want to go deer hunting and have a monster buck sacrifice himself to me as soon as I drive into the woods, I want to open the refrigerator and pull out whatever I happen to be hungry for, and I don’t want to cut my grass. But I digress.
I know the new hot dieting thing. This will last for a long time, it is life changing.
For this information, send twenty dollars…
No, in the interest of not being chased down and stabbed to death by angry fork wielding Americans,
Here it is; first you take a large amount of food you normally like to eat.
You put it on your plate, and then you eat three bites.
For those of you who eat ham sandwiches in three bites, take only half a nibble.
Then you leave the rest on your plate.
That’s right; you leave it on the plate.
What about the Chinese children who don’t have any food?
What about them?
What about you weighing more than one fourth of a cow.
You have to leave it on the plate for this to be effective, you can’t come back, like, five minutes after eating, and just slide the thing into your mouth. That defeats the whole plan.
Leaving the food on your plate will empower you to not eat more food than necessary.
Next time you are tempted, let’s say you are in a position where you have access to some really good food.
You can say to the really good food, “Dude, I didn’t eat that big slice of cake this morning so I won’t eat you either.”
This really works; last night I didn’t eat a large piece of cinnamon cake. It is still here on the desk now.
I hate to see it go to waste, so I guess I’ll eat it right now.
Wait, it really is like the brother said, “If you eat it or not eat it, either way, it will go to waist!”

2003 UB313

2005-07-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

The North Korean disarmament talks have entered their sixth day in session. I wonder what they are doing in there?
Telling fish stories no doubt.
The space walk out of the shuttle Discovery was a success.
Those astronauts better get serious up there. First they do back flips with the shuttle, now they want go hiking.
Watch out for space bears.
Astronomers have discovered what is believed to be the solar system’s first new planet in 75 years. It is fifty percent larger than Pluto and the most distant object orbiting the sun.
Quote, (The solar system’s 10th planet, named 2003 UB313, is about 97 times farther from the Sun than Earth and about three times farther than Pluto, said Michael Brown)

2003 UB313?
What kind of name is 2003 UB313?
Is it too much to ask that they give the stars names like, Earth, Mars, Pluto, and Moon?
What happened to names like Earl and Harold and Jasper?
Does the astronomers’ imagination run out at the number ten?

Astronomer1: “What should we call this new tenth planet?”
Astronomer2: “Lets see, we have Earth, Jupiter, Mars, Sun, and the others.”
Astronomer1: “How about 2003 UB313?”
Astronomer2: “You should be put to death!”
Astronomer1: “My cat walked over the keyboard and that’s what it said afterwards.”
Astronomer2: “nice.”

It’s not like we could really do anything with it.
Quote, (Temperature on the planet’s surface may be as cold as minus 405.67 degrees Fahrenheit, Mr. Brown said at a news briefing.
“If you were standing on the surface and held a pen at arm’s length, you’d cover the Sun with the head of the pen.”)
That is cold.
Four hundred and five point sixty seven degrees below zero.
That is flat out cold. That is so cold that if a goose waddled into it, the goose would freeze in mid waddle.
That’s almost as cold as a sawmill in mid January!
At least it’s not four hundred and six degrees below zero!
You wouldn’t need sunblock; you could just hold up a pen and cover the sun.
A little hat would go a long way.
Maybe we could go out and tow it in here a little closer to the sun. Warm it up a bit.
Mr. Brown is all fired up about it. He said, quote, (“I say, get out your pens and start rewriting the textbooks today,”)

“Dude, you there, the Brown guy, yeah you, Dude, it’s only a big ball, you can’t do anything with it. It’s not life changing; I will still have to cut my grass! So, just cool it down a bit.”

Scientists, Fish, Aquariams, and Sea Gulls. no wait, not Seagulls!

2005-07-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Is there anything lower than dumpster diving?
Personally, I do not dumpster dive.
Last night I took the trash to the dumpster. There were some very interesting items on top.
So I got them out and looked at them. Very interesting, I laid them over there.
Then I saw some other things a little deeper down, I got them out and laid them over there too.
There were a few things on the bottom. I wanted them, but I have a policy against dumpster diving, so I got two sticks and managed to pull the things out with the two sticks.
The last thing Todd county needs right now, is dumpsters with feet sticking straight up out of them. That could be bad for tourism.

On the news today, nothing.
Nothing worthy of note that is. Only stuff like, police looking for bombers, shuttle crews looking for damage, grizzly bears looking for hikers, somebody killed somebody, G8 summit something or other.
Nobody flipped his bus, nobody stubbed his toe, nobody is offering Bill Clinton, livestock in exchange for his daughters hand in marriage.
No wait,
Somebody is offering Bill Clinton, livestock in exchange for his daughters hand in marriage!
I quote,
(A lovestruck Kenyan official has offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows in exchange for daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage.)
“Hey, Lovestruck Kenyan Official, Dude, we might have ebay but we don’t sell our daughters on it. Go jam your cattle down a rabbit hole.”
In other news, quote,
(Over fishing Leads to Decline in Big Fish)
(Scientists say the variety of tuna, marlin, swordfish and other big ocean predators has declined up to 50 percent over the past half-century due to over fishing.)
Do these scientists have an aquarium?
Do they have gold fish?
Do they have a cat?

Scientist1: “Dude, where’s the tenth goldfish?”
Scientist2: “Cat got it.?
Scientist1: “She got the biggest one!”

I wonder how much they got paid?

We need more news like this; there was a plane crash. When the investigators recovered the black box. It was a recording of all the sound in the plane. It went like this:
Mechanical computer voice: “Pull up, pull up, pull up,)
Spanish voice: “Shutup Gringo!”
Spanish hand: “Whack”
Mechanical computer voice: no sound…
Plane: “Crash”
Spanish hand and voice: off to glory.

The plane was not equipped for Spanish speaking pilots, and they didn’t understand English!

Seven foot bears and Spammers

2005-07-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

At the Rolling Greens golf course in New Jersey, 19 year old, Sean Oroho’s job is to drive the little caged cart that picks up the golf balls.
As if picking up golf balls, without being gunned down by drunk golfers, trying to hit him out there on the range wasn’t bad enough. Now he has to worry about bears.

According to CBS news, quote,
(It was a narrow escape for a New Jersey man after he came face to face with a bear at a driving range in Sussex County.
At the Rolling Greens Golf Range, Sean Oroho's job is to scoop up balls, driving around in a specialized caged golf cart.)

It goes on to say that Sean was trying to push the cart out of a hole after it got stuck in a wet spot. He heard rustling behind him and turned to see two bear cubs close by.
He immediately hurled himself into the cart.
His cart was between, a seven foot high mother bear and her cubs.
There are few things in life as dangerous as coming between a seven foot high mother bear and her baby bears.
Things such as, going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, or crossing the Atlantic ocean on a Seadoo, or telling your wife, it does make her look fat..

Supposedly the bear came up and banged her head on the cage around the cart and pushed on the cart a bit. Then she turned and walked away with her cubs
What is more scary, than having seven foot high bears banging their heads against your golf cart. Golf carts are not that big, she could have turned it over fairly easily.
What if a golfer in a striped shirt, knee length trousers, and blue canvas tennis shoes, had chased the little white ball out there between the bears? It could have ended badly. He wouldn’t have had a caged golf cart get into.
Are the New Jersey golf courses so wild, that you can’t go out and hit a few balls, without being mauled by seven foot bears?

In other news yesterday, the man responsible for the largest spamming system in Russia, was bludgeoned to death Wednesday.
Police say that the bludgeoning of Vardan Kushnir, had no connection to his being the biggest spammer in Russia,
reportedly quote (sending out unbelievable amounts of spam, getting an email to “every Russian who appeared to have an email address”.)

How often are people here in America bludgeoned to death?
I am not big on killing. If I want to kill an animal, I shoot it with a gun. If it is a wild animal and I want to eat it, I might beat it to death with a stick, if I didn’t have a gun.
But bludgeoning?
I wouldn’t even bludgeon a gerbil.

Some people including, IRS agents, used car salesmen, spammers, rude supermarket employees, dog breeders with, like, three hundred dogs in seven small cages, burglars etc., are close to being the scum of the earth.
I would not suggest bludgeoning any of these to death, however, if somebody is going to be bludgeoned to death; and it is a spammer, we won’t be terribly heartbroken.
If you, as a fellow human being, are thinking, “you know what, I really feel like I need to bludgeon somebody to death.” May I suggest a spammer, or perhaps the dog breeder?

Gymnastics and a Minimally Invasive Procedure

2005-07-28T04:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on the way to work, a commercial came on the radio, advertising MIPs. Or what those of us who have the unfortunate knowledge of what MIP stands for know, it means (shudder) Minimally Invasive Procedure.
The commercial featured a little boy, who brought his dad to show and tell, at school. The little boy was telling the class how, that his dad had had a Procedure, or as he put it, an MIP, and was back on his feet, mere days, after the thing.
He said that he and his dad had walked the dog, like, three days after the MIP.
Sounds scary.
What we have here is a story about a man that had a procedure done. The fact that there is a dog in the story, only confirms my suspicions.
Just for the record. I don’t want a minimally invasive procedure.
Just a procedure is bad enough.
Me: “What is it, Doctor?”
Doctor: “I can fix it.”
Me: “Fix?” (gulp)
Doctor: “You will have to have a Procedure.”
Me: (thud)
Doctor: “Nurse, nurse, come quick, he fainted!”

I don’t want an invasive procedure, not even if it is minimal.
That’s like advertising that they will come to your house and break all your furniture, throw the refrigerator over, and slam all the mottos on floor. But they will come in the back door, so they don’t track mud through the house.
The term Invasive Procedure sounds a bit like, We aren’t sure what we will do inside you, but we will do it only a little bit.
It sounds so clueless.
Doctor: “You say you don‘t feel so good?”
Patient: “For three days already.”
Doctor: “Let me schedule you for a MIP.”
Patient: “What is that, doc?”
Doctor: “Well, we will put you to sleep, then do a thing on you that involves a few more doctors like me, bright lights, knives, hook things, a long wire, and a dog.”
Patient: “A dog?”
Doctor: “Don’t worry.”
Patient: “I feel great now!”
Doctor: “No you don’t.”
Patient: “No?”
Doctor: “I can fix it.”
Patient: (thud)
Doctor: (sigh) “Not again!”

In the news today, According to Newsday.com, the Shuttle Discovery, is supposed to dock today at 6:00 am. Probably even as I am typing this.
I quote
(Discovery moved closer to the international space station Thursday and was to perform an unprecedented back flip before docking to allow photographs of the shuttle's belly for signs of damage.
Discovery trailed the space station by less than 600 miles early Thursday and was expected to perform the flip around 6 a.m. Docking was set for an hour later.)

They made the shuttle do a back flip, so they people in the space station can peer out thru their little windows and take pictures of the shuttles stomach. To see if there is any damage.

NASA just keeps getting more and more hilarious!
Somebody needs to tell them to leave the comics to Garfield, Peanuts, and Hagar the Horrible. They are supposed to be serious up there.
They can’t be going, making the shuttle do gymnastics!

Shuttle driver: “Ok lets see if we can do a double flip, a handstand, and land on our …”

Donald Goes To Tajikistan

2005-07-27T03:35:00.000-07:00

Rumsfeld goes to Iraq.
This is not the title of the latest Little Golden book.
The Poky Little Puppy, Three Blind Mice, The Cat in The Hat, Rumsfeld goes to Iraq, Tootle,
No, despite fitting right in there, Rumsfeld went to Iraq, happened like, in real life.
I quote,
(US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld arrived in Baghdad on Wednesday for talks with Iraqi leaders and US commanders.
He called on Iraqi leaders to draft and approve a new constitution without delay, warning that political progress was necessary for dampening the insurgency.)

Mr. Rumsfeld is like a lightning rod, all the criticism hits him and just gets grounded out.
I like Mister Donald Rumsfeld, and I like his name.
Donald! As in, Donald duck.
Rumsfeld? What kind of name is Rumsfeld?
Are you sure they didn’t mean Rumplestiltskin?
Any way despite having a cartoonish name, Mister Rumsfeld meant business when he went to Iraq.
No Winnie the Poohish actions on his part.
I quote,
("Now's the time to get on with it," Rumsfeld told the traveling press on the flight to Iraq from Tajikistan.
Any delay "would be very harmful to the momentum that is necessary.")

Momentum? I am sure Donald knows all about momentum. Such as what happens when you run towards a cliff and slide out over the edge of it. Such as what happens when anvils start falling out of the sky.
Tajikistan? Tajikistan! There is a country called Tajikistan?
That sounds like something I would make up. The problem is, I didn’t.
Tajikistan! This whole story just gets weirder and weirder.
Donald Rumsfeld goes to Tajikistan.

The shuttle Discovery finally took off yesterday. Now they will go over it with a laser camera that can detect a crack in the tiles that cover the shuttle. The camera can see a crack no wider than two playing cards pressed together.
What, there are no plumbers out there in space?

Paint Stores are Evil

2005-07-26T04:18:00.000-07:00

Recently in a big town close to here, a paint store opened up.
Sort of like that paint store that’s name sounds like Sherman Julian’s.
I find this really upsetting.
Why would anybody go into a store to buy just paint?
We don’t go to hat stores to buy hats. We don’t go to shirt stores to buy shirts.
Last time I checked, there was no shower head store. Or flashlight store or porch swing stores.
Who goes into the paint store any way?

Does a shopping list look like this?
Milk
Eggs
Potato Chips
Hat
Paint
Shower Head
Porch Swing

If it does, where do you go? Like six different stores?
Hmm, let’s see we need to go to the milk store, then the egg store, then the potato chip store…

So let’s say they get away with having a paint store.
How many customers will go into it?
Let’s say there are one hundred thousand people living within, like, fifty miles of the thing.
If there are an average of four people in each household, that comes to twenty five thousand houses.
Out of twenty five thousand houses, at least eighty percent buy their paint at the (I don’t want to use any names here so I will make up my own names) People Living Place Where Trains Go To. Or just me epot, for short, or they buy it at owes. At least eighteen percent buy their paint at almart.
That leaves just two percent of the population to go in a paint store.
One percent is in the hospital, in prison, or homeless. Why would a homeless person buy paint?
One percent goes into the paint store. That is one hundred people in all, and they only go like, once every year.
That means the paint store only gets about two customers per week.
And one of them is just looking for directions.

Modern cars, Airplanes, Shuttle Discoveries

2005-07-25T04:26:00.000-07:00

According to popular news anchor Google News (their slogan is, Anchoring News for like ten years, or however long Google has been going!)
Anyway according to Google, the people at NASA have run over 160 tests to figure out why the gauge does not work on the shuttle Discovery.
The shuttle Discovery, no pun intended, is scheduled to go even if they don’t find the problem.
The NASA scientists did everything they could think of. They tapped on the side with a rock, to see if the tank sounded full, they hit it with a hammer, they felt it with their hands, they checked the fuses, they finally decided, I quote
(The space shuttle Discovery's launch could go ahead even if a fuel-gauge malfunction reoccurs, but weather might delay the lift-off, NASA said ahead of the first space-shuttle flight since the 2003 Columbia disaster.)
NASA: “How soon can we go?”
They: “We have done everything we can think of!”
NASA: “Did you stick a long grass down in the fuel tank to see if it comes up wet?”
They: “Yes, we even stuck a stick down.”
NASA: “Well I guess we can always call Triple A, if we break down.”
They: “Don’t use the word breakdown!”
NASA: “What if it rains?”
They: “If it rains, we’ll have to wait. We don’t want the atmosphere to be too slick when you take off.”
NASA: “How much do you get paid?”
They: “What kind of question is that to be asking on a public blog?”
NASA: “Sorry.”

Oxcarts, model A fords, Modern cars, Airplanes, Shuttle Discoveries, What’s the difference? It depends on who’s driving.
Or not?

Descrimination is Wrong.

2005-07-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Do you discriminate?
Do fat people, short people odd people, and people with blue canvas tennis shoes get discriminated against?
As an enlightened individual, I like to think that I don’t discriminate against people.
Recently I had a bit of a shocker at work.
I work with some Hispanics, two in particular. One of them can not speak English, beyond the word si, and looking confused.
So here I am, trying to explain something to this gentleman and he’s going si si and looking confused. The other particular Hispanic, seeing his friend’s confusion, came over and proceeded to try to speak English to me. I didn’t try to talk with him. I just rudely brushed him aside because I couldn’t believe he could actually speak English. He is short, like really short. Max, four and a half feet, he is really friendly though. Super nice, always helpful, his only fault is that he is so short.
Later after reviewing the incident, I was shocked to realize that I had discriminated against him, thinking that just because he is so vertically challenged, he can not speak English.
That was not right. I should have given him a fair opportunity to speak English.
I should not have brushed him away like that.
He can’t help it that he’s a runt.
Maybe it runs in his genes to be short.
Maybe his family all ate out of the same bowl when he was a kid and he just couldn’t get in there to get his share.
Maybe he gave all his food to an orphan on the street when he was growing up and just didn’t have enough nutrients to add length to his stature.
No more discriminating against people that can’t reach the foot pedals in a Geo Prism.

Here is the blog, that I won't be writing today.

2005-07-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

I won’t be writing a blog this morning. It is 5:37 and I have to put on my shoes and eat my cereal and get all my stuff together.
According to Mister Icannotrememberhisname, there are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who cannot count.
Is that the most brilliant joke or the dumbest joke? I can’t seem to make up my mind.
Oh, by the way, there are three kinds of people in the world. Those who get jokes and those who do not get jokes. And of course, those who get jokes about a week later.
I am sure there are also some like me, who frequently pretend to get jokes, but usually aren’t even sure where the punch line goes.
But I digress, due to my decision to not write a blog today, I will, well, not be writing this blog.
The inventor of the TV dinner died. And no, they won’t be burying him in a coffin with five compartments.
Also, Scotty from Star Trek has died. Scotty was the engineer on the star ship.

Here is something new, I quote,
(China yesterday denounced a US report that Beijing wants to expand its regional military power, saying it poses no threat to its neighbors and accusing Washington of looking for pretexts to sell weapons to Taiwan.)
And,
(''The report has baselessly attacked China's modernization of its national defense," a deputy foreign minister, Yang Jiechi, said in a statement. He accused Washington of looking for ''an excuse to sell advanced weapons to Taiwan."
The Pentagon had said that Chinese planners are looking at expanding beyond their goal of dominating Taiwan, which Beijing claims as its territory.)
Here you can read about it.
http://www.boston.com/news/world/asia/articles/2005/07/21/china_disputes_us_arms_study/

Basically it’s like this:
US: “wassup”
China: quickly hides something under the work bench, “not much.”
US: “making military equipment?”
China: “what?”
US: stands and stares at China.
China: “ok, ok, so I make a few things, but it’s not like we are going to use them.”
US: “I see.”
China: “we want to be everybody’s friend, everybody in the whole world.”
US: “we still won’t go camping with you.”

But enough of this blog I’m not writing today.
There is oatmeal to be had.

Bravehearts in Kilts Against Trousers.

2005-07-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the movie, Braveheart?
For those of you who have not, it’s a Scottish movie, and yes, the men do wear these little skirts in it.
Now watching the movie, I did not sense myself thinking things like, “I just have to have a miniskirt like that!” I did not think that I would be more of a man for wearing a skirt.
The things I did think about it, were more like, “It looks cold and uncomfortable,” “I wouldn’t wear those, if I got paid to wear them,” and of course, “Hah hah.”
Last night I saw this website, www.kiltmen.com/, Their slogan is, Bravehearts in Kilts Against Trouser Tyranny.
Last time I checked, my Members Marks from Sams Club, were not tyrants. I don’t think they tell me what to do. I don’t think Arizona Jean Company is in the business of cranking out, little bug eyed, jeans, that wield ultimate power. When was the last time you saw a sweat shop, run by a pair of britches.
It’s a little off to put, Adolph Hitler, Pisistratus of Athens, Hagar the Horrible, and trousers, all in the same category.
They say, I quote, (We are an international band of men who enjoy the freedom, comfort, pleasure, and masculine appearance of kilts or other male unbifurcated (skirt-like) garments, and who reject the absurd notion that males must always be confined to trousers. We are men in kilts, Utilikilts, and other kilt-like clothing. Our purpose is to liberate men from the "tyranny of trousers" that has been imposed upon us by Western society)
Also
(Although there was a relatively brief period in history when manhood was symbolized by the wearing of trousers, this is no longer the case. Today trousers have become unisex garments that women wear most of the time. In the United States, for example, a guy wearing blue jeans will find himself dressed the same as perhaps 90 per cent of the girls. If a man wishes to distinguish his masculinity through clothing, he would do much better by strapping on a real Scottish kilt. )
And lastly,
(However, it takes a brave man to wear a kilt, outside of Scotland or Scottish gatherings.)
That statement there makes more sense than most of the website. If I would show up for work, wearing one of those miniskirts, I would be put in the Horrible category, without the Hagar part.
I can just see it, I come to work, everybody stares a bit, after a while it gets windy, and I get arrested for indecent exposure.
You definitely would not rip the seat of the thing. However it would be like having a ripped seat all the time.
I wonder if I could get a Tommy Hilfiger skirt?
The website includes pictures of men wearing the kilts, standing around in various poses, trying to look really masculine. Mostly they look like somebody got them up in the middle of the night and they just threw on a shirt over their bathrobe.

Cutting Grass, Goats, and of course A March To The White House

2005-07-19T04:35:00.000-07:00

I need to cut the grass.
Cutting grass is one of the most futile labors, that the human race, consistently engages in. Cutting grass wastes a lot of people’s time and energy.
As a homerenter, I can spend my Saturday, doing things like, writing, playing computer games, playing with my kids, riding my hammock, or I could like, cut my grass.
Let’s see, if I cut it this week, then I won’t have to cut it next week.
Right?
WRONG!
Here is the typical homehaver’s weekly itinerary
Monday: Be at Work.
Tuesday: Work
Wednesday: Bet you can’t guess. Could it be, perhaps, Work
Thursday: Be at work
Friday: Pretend to work.
Saturday: Nothing, or maybe, go fishing. Oh no, I can’t. I have to cut the grass,
Sunday: Go to Church.
I’m not advocating not cutting the grass; I am also not advocating covering the lawn with concrete. I want short grass in my yard. And lastly, I am not advocating keeping a herd of goats in my yard, to keep the grass cut.
Goats are wicked, nasty, and immoral. They don’t stay inside their fence, and they go to the bathroom, like, where ever..
Goat 1 in front of the white house: “Hey Goat 2 lets go see the Smithsonian.”
Goat 2 in front of the white house: “Ok, but hang on, I have to go to the bathroom!”
Goat 1 in front of the white house: “Make it quick.”
Goat 2 in front of the white house: like, five seconds later, “Ok Lets go.”
You may ask, “What do you have in mind?”
What?
So now all of a sudden I’m the one that’s responsible to come up with a solution. Dude, or Dudess, look, I just think these things. I don’t actually come up with solutions.
Like, if I had been working for NASA, when they put Mister Armstrong on the moon, if it had depended on me, Mister Armstrong would be speeding past the Milky Way with a broken steering wheel, broken brakes, and not a clue in the world, no pun intended, right about now.
I want NASA, to stop putting people on the moon and other planets and come figure out how to keep my grass cut, without me having to actually cut it. Or, me having to pay somebody a little fortune to cut it for me. I don’t want to go to work, make money, bring it home, and give it to somebody to cut my grass. It’s not even like I could sell my grass clippings. Last time I checked, there really wasn’t that much of a market for grass clippings.
Even if we do manage to put people on the moon.
What will the people on the moon be doing on their Saturdays?
Cut grass?
Cut grass!
I think everybody should call their local politicians about this.
Somebody needs to organize a march to the White House in protest.

Fire Retardents, Flyswatters, and The Ear Wax Eating Anteater

2005-07-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

What is wet, blind, and swims in a sea of chemicals?
I quote, (Unborn U.S. babies are soaking in a stew of chemicals, including mercury, gasoline byproducts and pesticides)
Also
(Although the effects on the babies are not clear, the survey prompted several members of Congress to press for legislation that would strengthen controls on chemicals in the environment.
The report by the Environmental Working Group is based on tests of 10 samples of umbilical cord blood taken by the American Red Cross. They found an average of 287 contaminants in the blood, including mercury, fire retardants, pesticides and the Teflon chemical PFOA).
Ok, let me guess… could the answer be, babies?
What?
Babies!
Read the article here at http://www.enn.com/today.html?id=8239
Also this…
("Of the 287 chemicals we detected in umbilical cord blood, we know that 180 cause cancer in humans or animals, 217 are toxic to the brain and nervous system, and 208 cause birth defects or abnormal development in animal tests," the report said)
What’s the solution? Send an email to nontoxicoptions@yahoo.com and ask them for information.
So add this to that list of the things to worry about, including things like the ozone, the European Union, that one to many x file movie you watched, and of course things like global warming, killer bees, nuclear war, and the age of The NoMore Gasoline.
What can you do?
All I can say is use Melaleuca and don’t watch x files.
What will be the next scary thing?
According to Paul Harvey, and I am not making this up, a massive asteroid is headed towards earth; scheduled to hit the earth sometime, in like, the next few thousand years or so. Some of the really wild lawmakers are beginning to say we need to make an asteroid defense bureau. That way we can give our millions of dollars, to them and they can show us slow motion pictures of the fly swatter, err, I mean asteroid, coming down!

Now this I may be making up. According to someone, maybe, like, me, or somebody, anteaters have been sighted in northern Mexico. Scientists say they are slowly making their way further north each year. These are not your average, sticks three foot tongue down anthill, variety of anteater. These anteaters live off of wax, mainly human ear wax. They are about the size of a small skunk; they have proven themselves very adept at sneaking into people’s houses, at night, where they will stick their tongues, which range in length anywhere from eighteen inches to two feet, down into people’s ears while they are sleeping and eat the ear wax that they collect. This kind of animal is not considered dangerous, unless it attacks; in which case experts agree it is best to play dead until the anteater leaves.
Please beware the wax eating anteater.

The Terminator, between the tree and the roids.

2005-07-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

The terminator got terminated. Quote (SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he will end his multimillion-dollar consulting deal with two fitness magazines that rely heavily on ads for nutritional supplements.) and (He was forced to defend his contract with the magazines after a securities disclosure, filed last week showed, he would be paid at least $1 million a year, for five years as a consultant.)
Conflict of interest? What conflict of interest? I don’t see any conflict of interest!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is a quote, (executive editor of Muscle & Fitness and Flex magazines)
Supposedly these magazines rely on advertisements for things like nutritional supplements, and steroids, and of course what all magazines have these days. Two old people sitting in bathtubs, on the edge of a cliff. (possibly contemplating, riding down the cliff in a bathtub, Jack and Jill style). Things like Cialis, and Viagra, and another on that I can’t remember. Those things have been shown to cause blindness! Which makes me wonder…? But I digress. Supposedly this bill came across old Arnie’s desk that said that high school kids had to stop taking performance enhancing supplements. Well the man, Arnold, may have said, “what is wrong with taking performance enhancing stuff including steroids etc.” Arnold may have also said, “At least they aren’t hitting the tree, smoking weed, or sniffing paint, when they are shooting their arms and legs, full of raw, untested steroids!” Arnold refused to sign the thing into law. The law pushers were mad. They found that the magazines were paying Arnold one million dollars a year over the next five years. So now Arnold said he won’t take the money.
Conflict of interest? Perhaps a little.

Eminem Flips his Tour bus over, Thousands snicker themselves to death!

2005-07-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

According to Netscape.com, the rap singer Eminem’s tour bus crashed hurting seven people. Only one was seriously hurt. Missouri State Police said the bus was traveling from 85 to 90 mph. when it was hit by a truck. It ran off the road then got back on the road and hit the truck again and overturned. Seven people were taken to the hospital. And now ssccnnnsss as the Official Spokesperson for the ssnnrrrcss whole United States of America. I will call Eminem

Me: Phone ringing
Eminem: answers, "hello"
Me: (snorts loudly) "will everybody be ok?" ( fights to keep snickers quiet)
Eminem: "yes"
Me and all the United States: “heee heee heee heee haa haa haaa,” until we pass out.
That is just the funniest thing. Eminem’s crew, you know tough, long hair, tattoos, jewelry. All go flying all over the place as the bus flips over. HEE HEE HEE HEE. This is just to much.
They are planning to have a concert in Denver as they continue their, what they are calling the Anger Management Tour.

Saving the Sanctity of Marriage

2005-07-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend will be busy. We have to go to a wedding. I say weddings are a little overdone. In the interest of continuing progress toward a complex rat race of modernizing our lives. Let me say this, “weddings are a little overdone.” Trust me, it’s not that weddings are not important, but, look, we live in an age of microwaves, and color ink jet printers, and instant meals, not to mention the internet. Back in Daniel’s (the one that was thrown to the lions) day. They had weddings and feasts that lasted as long as three years. Imagine what those people’s livers looked like.

Party goer 1: wakes up, “what year is it?”
Party goer 2: “1122 BC.”
Party goer 1: “Is the wedding over yet?”
Party goer 2: “Dude! Not for another ten months.”
Party goer 1: “I’m not a dude! Dudes don’t wear their bathrobes all the time, remember?”
Party goer 2: “Oh yeah, Bring me another keg of Captain Morgan.”
These guys didn’t have to worry about jobs, and houses, and watching CSI. All they had to do was do what your average flea bitten Labrador retriever does all the time. Besides wearing their bathrobes, they did nothing. No computer games, no going to Wal-mart, no cell phone bills, no wondering which president they most resemble. Nothing, except lie around in their bathrobes and destroy Captain Morgans.
This, should be taken to the vet and put to sleep, lifestyle, went on until the middle of the Dark Ages, when Mister John Dolittle one day, struck by inspiration, decided to write in his daily blog a new fangled idea. Instead of having weddings that last for three years, let’s have them for one day only.
People were shocked. What? No more destroying Captain Morgans, no more three years of foggy drunkenness. The people were angry, they said he was trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage. But John Dolittle was adamant. “The weddings were too long.” he declared. “It’s hard on business at my sweatshop.” So to make a long story short. Mercifully they cut the thing down to one day.
Now I would like to announce the new and improved version of the wedding ceremony. Here it is:
Now I don’t want to get any emails saying, “here it isn’t“, or, “we couldn’t find it.”
It has three steps:
Step one: Find boy and girl that say they want to marry.
Step two: Have boy shake hands with girl and announce them married. (no kissing, no mushy, embarrassing, get a motel, stuff.)
Step three: Send picture of ceremony to all, would have been guests, who are at home blissfully playing Runescape, cutting their grass, knocking down glasses of lemonade, and doing whatever they please.
No more long drawn out waiting and waiting to see someone we love with someone we love. I mean it’s like looking at a photograph for a whole day.
My style of wedding ceremony would go like this:
Would have been Guest: “hey you guys are married!” looks at photograph for like two seconds. “Cool!” throws photograph on the floor and goes back to playing a violent computer game.
I think this style wedding will be the wave of the future. We may as well put it into practice.

gas gauges, cell phones, and Honest Abe

2005-07-14T04:36:00.000-07:00

A brand spanking new day, what are we going to do with it. Thursdays are always good. See time moves like this. On Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, you ride through life on an ox cart. On Friday your ox dies, no pun intended, and you have to walk with a broken leg. But as soon as you get off of work, you get in a corvette and ride it on Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday forenoon. On Sunday afternoon you have to get out of the corvette and hire a Mexican cab driver. Then the rest of Sunday you race down the banana peel speedway, with your heart in your throat. And then of course at exactly five thirty Monday morning, your cab driver falls asleep and totals the car. Now you have to hitch a ride with the oxcart.
So here we are on Thursday, with the hope of a dead ox and a weekend ahead of us.
Talking about your oxen dying. The fuel gauge in my van is broken. It shows empty all the time. Now I am compelled to stop at every gas station I come to and fill up my tank! I don’t do empty gas tanks. Empty gas tanks are the basic equivalent of having to go up to everyone you see, and announcing, “Hi, My gas tank is empty, I did not fill it up when I had the chance, I am dumb and practically senseless.” this is bad; then walking down the road. One mile in the van takes approximately, like three seconds. On foot it takes like three hours. And if you are lucky, you have a cell phone. But then after you call and someone is coming, you have to sit there and hope people don’t stop. I have found it is best to leave the hood down, and pretend to be doing something else. Such as for example, reading the phone book that you keep in the glove box. Also wear dark glasses and rumple up your hair. If you get really serious about it, hold up the cell phone and pretend to be talking to someone. Nobody will bother you then. This also works well in Wal-Mart. Whenever you get into an aisle that is crowded, pick up your cell phone and pretend to be talking to someone. I have found it works best to talk about scheduling a meeting. That way you can pretend the guy on the other end is getting angry so it looks like you are really into your phone conversation. What you are doing is sending the message that says, “I am on the phone, I’m not paying attention to the fact that you are smack dab in my way. And therefore I am liable to run you over with my shopping cart.” I tell you, people will give you enough room to drive a dozen longhorns down the aisle. Abraham Lincoln tells the story of when he was driving down the road in his souped up oxcart, and this dude meets him on the road. The trouble is, this road is too narrow for them to pass, without one of them having to go off into the ditch. Abraham Lincoln says, “out of the way dude.” dude says, “no.” Abraham Lincoln stands up and says, “get out of the way or else!” Dude goes into the ditch like a sinner out of Sunday school. As Abe passes, dude says, “or else what.” Abe grins and says, “I would have got out of the way myself!” Now if old Abe had been carrying a cell phone, he could have pretended to be on the phone and the dude would have been in the ditch pretending to be reading the phone book, before Mister Abe even got close.
In the news: Britain held a two minute silence to honor those who were killed in the bombing last week. Brad Pitt has viral meningitis. The space shuttle launch was called off because of; I am not making this up, a fuel gauge that quit working. And I am also not making this up. The fuel gauge just shows empty all the time. I am making this up though. NASA called last night and they want to see my van. Something about figuring out how the gauge works.

Usual rigamarole, Brad Pitt, the media, and Wacko

2005-07-13T04:35:00.000-07:00

What’s on the news? I opened Google News this morning. All the usual stuff, a Palestinian train wreck, Israelis reoccupy West Bank, London keeps searching for the bombing mastermind, the White House is deflecting questions about Karl Rove’s involvement in something, the Philippines are protesting that their president rigged the voting system.
Nothing stands out.
Here is my suggestion to all forms of media. Newspaper, Radio, Television, Internet, Word of Mouth, Graffiti painted on the sides of boxcars in Chicago, and even you’re occasional passenger pigeon. If it doesn’t involve something that we know what is, don’t mention it.
How are we to know what the European Union is?
Is it a bunch of Europeans who stopped fighting and hating and having different width tracks for their trains, long enough to share a cigarette? Is the West Bank like the Western side of the Pond? While I’m on this rant any way. What’s with the Phillipinos protesting against their president? All I can say is, “so what’s on the news?”
Back to my message to all media outlets, including speaking from village to village with drums. If it doesn’t involve falling from very high up, if it doesn’t flip end over end, if it doesn’t go really fast, if nobody took out any cotter pins, if it doesn’t involve a high level of intoxication and the resulting bravery, stupidity, or Weiner dogs, don’t mention it. Just say, “It is the same old rigamarole.”
But Karl Rove?
Village1 in Africa: boom boom (news update)
Village2 in Africa: Boom (Do you have a pen ready?)
Village1 in Africa: Boom boom boom (yes)
Village2 in Africa: Boom (Same old Rigamarole)
Village1 in Africa: Boom (ah, what’s the death toll?)
There is one piece of news this morning worth mentioning. Brad Pitt checked himself into a hospital. According to his publicist, he is complaining about the flu.
According to The London (a newspaper) Jacko is being sued over some bills that aren’t being paid. Supposedly he owes at least twenty six million pounds of money. Twenty six million pounds?
Yeah, I’ll let someone else do the math. He is on vacation in the Persian Gulf.
The Persian Gulf?
He has some rich buddy over there. Now he is staying in Rich Buddy’s palace.
Today former WorldCom big chief Bernard Ebbers was sent to the slammer for 25 years. His lawyer begged and pleaded for mercy for the elderly, health ailing, gives money to the poor, extraordinarily unselfish, Mister Bernard Ebbers. The lawyer even said Old Bernie was an angel, and burst into tears. But all to no avail; the judge said, “hah hah,” and sent the 63 year old man to prison.
What? Are the lawyers taking up acting now?

broadband bulls and scales

2005-07-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

Here is some real breaking news. They (the people who design new technologies) have been tinkering with sending out broadband internet over the electric wires. According to a popular, local radio station, they will make it available in Tennessee, Kentucky, and Indiana. So what is in store for us in this county? Well I don’t think we need to worry about that.
Most likely it’s like this:
They 1: Let’s make it available in Kentucky, Tennessee, and Indiana.
They2: What about Todd County?
They1: Yeah, you’re right.
They2: Let’s tell the people of Todd county, that their area won‘t support this technology!
They1: Dude, you’re a genius!
They2: I’m not a dude.
Sometimes I wonder how long it took Todd County to upgrade to the wheel.

In Pamplona, Spain, Sunday, the popular sport, The Running of the Bulls was held. According to the Science Daily I quote (Four people were injured in Monday's running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The six bulls were reportedly responsible for goring three people while they ran through the streets. A fourth person was injured inside the bull ring.) Three people got gored. In all, thirteen people have died in the running of the bulls since it started in 1924. I am sure it’s conception had nothing, absolutely nothing, no connection to that ship loaded with barrels of rum that went aground in Pamplona, in 1924!
I can see going on a roller coaster, hang gliding, water skiing, parachuting off the barn roof with an umbrella. But running in front of six angry, foaming, stomping, I want to stick my horns into your butt, bulls? Couldn’t they find a safer sport like playing, pull the tiger’s tail, or, Russian roulette? Or like go and take all the cotter pins out of the wheels on the roller coaster, and then ride it. Bulls?
Last night I weighed myself on my father-in-law’s new digital scales. It went like this:
Me: steps on.
Scales: ERR
Me: off and back on.
Scales: ERR
Me: off and look, tap it with foot.
Scales: 0.0
Me: Steps on,
Scales: 210.3
That’s the problem here in America! We have these intelligent digital scales, that first they make fun of you by calling you ERRONEOUSLY fat. Then they pick some random number that is way too high to be possible. What’s with the point three? I didn’t ask to know the point three. The scales can keep the point three to itself. If it says point three, it might as well go to the thousandth of a pound!
It is 6:14 and I have to go look at some boards.

Sunday July 10 2005

2005-07-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

Hi
Guess what, now here is a piece of news that you most likely have no idea what is about! According to a top story on the Google News website, the Luxembourg voters have just approved the European Union’s proposed referendum yayayayay and on and on. Who reads this stuff? None of us are even sure what the European Union is! It’s not like we could do anything with it. Now if it would say for example; Breaking News, The European Union was ambushed outside their hometown and badly mauled by a jaguar and only managed to escape, when the Luxembourg council happened to show up.

In more sobering news, Dennis (a level 4 hurricane) assaulted the Florida Panhandle early this morning, causing a mass evacuation of the Keys. Experts say it will cause a lot of damage.
And in other news: London police arrested three men in connection to the bombings, Condaleeza Rice is talking with the North Koreans about nuclear, four men were killed in Mississippi when two freight trains collided and derailed,
Well that covers the news for today, no wait; I can’t end on 4 men from Mississippi getting killed in a freight train wreck!
So how about this?
Makers of the popular and a slightly worthless Roomba (a robot vacuum cleaner that drives itself around and pretends to suck up dust) has announced a newer updated version that will be smarter. The company will also release the software that operates the thing, allowing regular people like Toms Dicks and Harrys, Harrys? Well maybe not Harrys! Who ever heard of a geek called Harry? Anyway it allows them to write programs to let the Roomba to do other things. For example you could glue a camera on it and have it patrol your home while you are away, give it a cordless phone and it could call 911 if it sees an intruder or whenever it falls down the stairs.
What’s next? The next logical step? You know!
Give it a gun!
A sawed off shotgun.
Something like this;
Burglar 1: Let’s rob this house Burglar 2.
Burglar 2: Dude, they’ve got a Roomba with a sawed off shotgun.
Burglar 1: You’re absolutely right Burglar 2, you just saved us from being gunned down by a vacuum cleaner. Remind me of that when we are out in the woods alone, and you are asleep after we divide up the stuff.
Burglar 2: Dude, let’s go rob that other house, all they’ve got is a pit bull.

Nah, much as I hate to give it up. We can’t have homeowners being gunned down by overzealous vacuum cleaners.
It would be great though if I could have it do something useful such as do the vacuuming!!!

Saturday July 9 2005

2005-07-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

Hi
Let me tell you something you might not have realized just yet. This is my first post ever. Which makes me wonder, could it also be my last? Well on to the news,
In the news this morning, of most lasting significance is this. According to the Onion that is www.theonion.com, I quote, (Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck.) the article goes on to say that the vehicle was being driven via remote control, thru an obstacle course, when the vehicle crashed into a Lincoln log home and overturned, throwing Harry out the passenger side windows, where he flipped end over end and landed violently on the linoleum. He is ok.
This is outrageous, that hamster could have been severely injured or killed as a result of being thrown out of a moving vehicle. Not that there is anything wrong with putting your hamster in a little remote controlled vehicle and driving him around an obstacle course. But not fastening his seatbelt, that was just, wrong. I will add though that beings he quote (the launched hamster tumbling humorously in mid-air several times before landing at the foot of the sofa) flipped end over end kind of redeems the integrity of the story. Any time a THING flips end over end it has to be funny.
Take the classic piano thrown from servael stories up. Now that really perks up your interest. Now how about this? (They threw the peeano from the seventh story. The peeano flipped end over end, desperately scrabbling at the air for solid footing before smashing to smithereens on the concrete far below.) Now, I would advocate putting hamsters and gerbils and even a guinea pig or two on remote controlled trucks, boats, and airplanes etc.
But not to strap them in! Oh no. That’s just no good.
On July 13th the Discovery (space shuttle) will fly again. That is great, just great. It’s not like we had people starving in the world or anything. It’s not like I didn't want them to take my hard-earned tax dollars and buy some rocket fuel. To go get a little space dust so we can figure out where we came from. It’s not even like I could use some of my tax dollars. But, what can I say? They are the ones that carry the guns. Like a traffic cop, comes to give you a ticket with a clipboard and a gun. "Would you mind signing this for me?" Oh no I'll sign it, what does it say? Never mind, I'll sign it!" Which makes me wonder? Why don't car salesmen carry guns?
In other news, Hurricane Dennis is done harassing Cuba and now has his eye on Florida.
The mason Dixon line has been renamed Ihop Waffle House. what? Really! yeah really, I couldn't believe it myself. I'm sure the Yankees made us take Waffle House. Which is kind of irritating.
What’s next? Will they redo all the civil war movies so our kids will grow up believing that the civil war was fought over greasy breakfast food?

Kid comes home from school,
Adult: hey Kid, what did they learn you in school today?
Kid: Oh hi Adult, they said back in the 1800s the Ihoppers fought the Waffle Housers because they didn't like grits!

And last but not least the FDA in all of its infinite wisdom has ordered a label change on the popular impotence drugs Viagra, Cialis, and another one I forgot, after users complained of sudden vision loss.
Which makes me wonder!!?!?? Never mind!